Eileen, are you listening? from some distressed insiders

I want to talk to you. Tell you what it feels like to be alone in a house with someone you know is going to hurt you. When your a little kid and youve already had about a million experiences that tell you what hes going to do next. When you can barely remember it not happening over and over again. When everyone ignores the ways you try to tell without saying the words. When the people who are supposed to take care of you and defend you and love you, hurt you. And you didnt have anybody to explain to you why. And youve got 1000 ideas about how things work that are all backwards. And most of those ideas were bad and dirty. And you didnt know what they all meant, except something about no one cares. And in the process of being told not to tell, you worry your going to get told on because you think your doing something wrong. And you have nothing to call your own because even your most absolute favourite thing is taken away and a certain place you actually used to like to sit and look out the sliding glass doors is now used to torment you. And you realise theres something wrong with you because there doesnt seem to be other kids with this problem. And your alone in the world. And you probably wont make it through the next hour without someone saying or doing something to hurt you. Something youll never forget as long as you live, but something you give to someone else inside your head to remember for you so you dont have to think about it so much. And when you do think about it you just cry. And when you get bigger and bigger you think all people are going to hurt you. Even when they try to love you. Its too late for you to believe. And you wonderare they going to hurt me too? Are they going to leave? So I want to tell you these things and I dont know if your interested. Are you like the ones who wanted to hurt us? I just need to say, how it all feels to me. Sometimes even I cant keep all of us inside straight. We grew to believe everything that goes wrong is all our fault. And we heard that told to us over and over too. And sometimes we got left alone, or given away for a little while to someone else who did the same thing. Or else people ran away from us when we got bigger, like our old therapist Attracta did. I guess because they did that I am not supposed to miss them. Should I just say that people dont understand us so that we dont get lonely and worried that it will happen again and again? We are left all alone to deal with things by ourselves again. And wonder what somebody is going to do next. We dont forgetand, we do things to make people not like us So we dont get hurt. So some wont imagine even for a minute that we like you, that we need you, that we might ever want to grow to trust you. But I cant stop us all from wanting, even though we get good at playing games about it, someone to care. Were not saying we need to be someones cherished treasure or anything. Maybe just someone we can trust a little. Somebody we can trust not to leave if we do something stupid or tell them the secret stuff were not supposed to talk about ever. Someone who doesnt make us go to the next person and the next and the next because they are done with us because we are tired of being alone. Do you want to really stay with us to the end without sending us somewhere else? What will you say when I say I dont care, even when I really do whether your there or not. What will you do if insiders refuse to come out or talk or work on anything. I pay attention because it matters to me. And so when people did things to hurt us when we were little, or ignored us altogether or gave us to someone else for a while, or stood there screaming at us, or accusing us of doing things we did not do we noticed. And when that happened over and over again something happened to us. A little big of what spirit we had is gone. For some reason then we started hurting ourselves. Im not sure what that has to do with a dying spirit. But were joining in with people who hurt us. And somewhere inside of us, we think and hope that the physical pain will eventually lessen the emotional pain. So we cut and we burn and we bruise ourselves. We pull hair and we make it hurt as bad as we can, then people stay away when we really want them to come closer, and just not leave. Are you someone who is going to leave too? Because we are told we never attach to people and then we are told that we attach too much too quickly and its all very confusing. And I just want to know so I can be prepared for it. Does it matter any more? We dont like feeling small and weak and defenceless so all we have is this wall to stand behind.

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Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

9 thoughts on “Eileen, are you listening? from some distressed insiders”

  1. I hope you do show that to your therapist hun, all that emotion, all those thoughts, worries and negativity needs to be released from you all. Such images in my head of you as a child now, I wish I could scoop up that little girl and take her away from such horrible times, make her feel safe again 😦 But since I can’t I’ll just say this to all the littles (and I’m sure you’ve heard it many times by now) what happened is not your fault, you did nothing to ask for it, encourage it or in any way make it happen. the only people who are dirty and wrong are the people who hurt you and treated you that way! Gentle safe ((hugs)) to all who want them xox

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  2. Reading this was heartbreaking, but I hope it was good to get these thoughts out of your head. I hope you will have the opportunity to talk with Eileen about this, I am sure that will put your mind at ease.

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