It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.

Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.

I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.

I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.

If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

12 thoughts on “Decompressing”

  1. I know how it can feel like the memories are going to swallow you whole. And I know how desperate one can feel in those moments to have contact from someone safe, to bring you back to the present. But remember, you’re safe now. And Eileen is still here. She is probably still holding you in her heart and thoughts as she carries out her normal routines. Maybe try to imagine that, how you have a place in her heart. There is safety and warmth in knowing that. Even if you’re struggling with feeling connected right now.


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