I did something uncharacteristic today.

I went to church. The rememberence service for the dead was on today. My aunt died last year, and her name was included in the 100 names of people that have passed away in the past year in our parish.

So I went to it, and I am proud of myself. It wasn’t an easy thing to do.

It was a very lovely service. There was a beautiful choir. Everyone who had lost someone got a candle to light. And all the names of those who died were read out.

I sat transfixed. I thought we’d be triggered. Quite the contrary though, we weren’t. Not in the slightest. I was so amazed by that too.

I even received communion, something I haven’t done in a long time. And I prayed. I prayed for friends. I prayed for family. I prayed for closure and for my continued healing.

At the end of the service I lit a candle for my grandad and gramma. And I said a silent prayer of thanks to them both. I thanked them for allowing me to stay mentally well these last 12 months. For allowing me to stay out of hospital. For allowing me to continue to heal, and for some other stuff, like my weight loss, like my good health, etc.

And now that its over, I am so glad we went.

And now, now I am seriously thinking about going back to church on a regular basis, like each weekend, going to mass, on sunday mornings. I’m seriously really seriously considering it.

For now though, I’m feeling content, I feel good, really good actually. Happy and very content. And very proud that I pushed myself to attend the service tonight.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

10 thoughts on “Rememberence”

  1. Oh how brilliant! πŸ™‚ I’m so happy you weren’t triggered, and so happy you want to go back to church. πŸ™‚ I know that for you as an RA survivor it had to take a huge amount of courage to just go there, and I’m proud of you that you did it. For me, prayer, and also going to the church, just keeping in touch with God, is very important in my healing and well-being, and sometimes, when nothing really helps, it can help me a lot, so I’m glad you could experience it too now, despite what was done to you in the past by the abusers. I’ve been praying for all the best for you for quite a while and will continue, of course. πŸ™‚


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