From Lisa, was so suicidal last night

hi everyone, my name is lisa. i am 17.
i had a tough night last night. i felt really suicidal last night. i wanted to take pills. i wanted to take them because i felt like we broke the rules last weekend. we were meant to go meet our abusers from the cult and we didnt go, and that is breaking the rules, and i felt like i should kill myself before one of them killed me first.
emily was really worried about me so she texted eileen. she told her i was feeling really suicdal and bad and asked her to text us when she could. eileen texted us back and then she called us.
i talked to her on the phone for a long time. we talked about why i wanted to die, about the abusers and about how we have choice now, about our living situation now, how it has changed, and about the system etc.
it felt good to talk to her. i felt safe with her. i told her i wished i was back in her office again cuz it feels safe there.
in the end eileen told me to maybe go inside and rest, and allow liz to front. so i did. and liz fronted for the rest of the night and me and emily and the rest of emilys insiders went inside and went to bed. i think liz took the whole system to bed too after getting off of the phone.
we slept well last night. and i made a promise to eileen that i wouldnt take pills. and i am going to keep it. i would never break a promise to eileen.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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