LIZ: I DIDNT FEEL LIKE TALKING

SO I DIDNT REALLY FEEL UP TO TALKING IN THERAPY TODAY. I DID EVENTUALLY TALK FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT ONLY WHEN EILEEN ACTUALLY ASKED FOR ME TO COME OUT. WHEN I CAME OUT SHE QUIZZED ME ON WHY I HADNT COME OUT WHEN SHE ASKED WHO WANTED TO COME FORWARD, SHE SAID SHE KNEW FROM MY EMAILS THIS PAST WEEK THAT I’D BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME, ANE MY ANGER AND RAGE HAD BEEN TROUBLING ME. I SAID I JUST DIDNT FEEL MUCH LIKE TALKING. THATS THE MAIN REASON WHY I DECIDED NOT TO COME OUT AND TO LET WILLOW COME OUT INSTEAD. ANYWAY, I SAID, I THOUGH YOU WOULDNT CARE WHETHER I CAME OUT OR NOT. I DIDNT THINK YOU’D EVEN MISS ME. SHE SAID THAT WASNT TRUE, AND THAT SHE DOES MISS MY INPUT WHEN I DONT COME OUT AND TALK TO HER. I FELT COMFORTED KNOWING SHE CARES, AND MISSES ME. IT FELT NICE TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT AND IT FELT GOOD THAT SHE CARES. WE DID TALK SOME AND I TOLD HER I HAD SPOKEN TO OUR FRIEND ABOUT THE OVERDOSE, BUT THAT I HAD TO CALM MYSELF BEFORE DOING IT, AS I WAS REALLY ANGRY. SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT FROM THE EMAIL I WROTE TO HER. I WAS RAGING, SHE SAID SHE NOTICED HOW THE ANGER LITERALLY BLEW UP, AND GOT OUT OF CONTROL VERY QUICKLY. I SAID I NOTICED THAT TOO. WE DISCUSSED THE ANGER FOR A BIT. I HATE TALKING ABOUT ANGER. I JUST FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THAT. LIKE I AM NOT USED TO ALLOWING MYSELF TO LET THAT LEVEL OF ANGER OUT OR SHOW. BUT IM GLAD WE TALKED IT OVER. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO CONTINUE EMAILING HER THIS WEEK. I SAID I WOULD. WE MADE A DEAL THAT I’D COME OUT AGAIN DURING NEXT WEEKS SESSION AND WE’D TALK SOME MORE AND MAYBE DO SOME WORK ON THE RAGE. I AGREED TO THAT. I FEEL AS IF I’VE HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION TODAY THOUGH.
LIZ

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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