The recent crisis with our friend and how it effected us so profoundly

so in session with eileen this morning, we talked about my friend. about her overdose and about how that effected us.
and it seems it really effected us, a lot more than i actually thought. last week i pretty much panicked, i was going on autopilot, just doing what needed to be done at the time. i didnt think too much about the profound effect it had on me.
basically, when i told eileen what happened, how it happened, she said my friend was actually being very manipulative. because first of all, she texted me to say she’d overdosed, and that wasnt right, she should have at least rang me, not said what she’d done over a text. because, what if I didnt see it? What if I didnt respond right away. What if I only saw it many hours later? What then?
and then, not only did she text me to say she’d taken pills, but when i first told her to get help, she refused, she wouldnt ring her daughter, who is her next of kin, she wouldnt ring the ambulance herself, she said they might think she was seeking to get attention, she wouldnt go to A and E to be treated.
Yet she asked me to ring an ambulance for her. so eileen said obviously she didnt really want to die, but she didnt want the paramedics calling her out on what she did either. she wanted help, but she wanted someone else to get the help for her. which is fine i guess, but well, she could have chosen a better way to do that.
what she did left me with the responsibility of making sure she got help, making sure she was ok. i’m not ok with that. i dont like that the responsibility was put on me to do all that. i love her, and i am a good friend of hers, but I too have issues, mental health stuff going on, and I didnt need that level of responsibility. Not to mention how profoundly it effected my system.
so what to do now? I guess I should talk to her about it. I’m nervous to do that though. Eileen said if I dont it might be the elephant in the room for us. This weekend my friend thanked me for calling the ambulance for her, she said I’d saved her life. When I told eileen what she said to me about saving her life, eileen said thats an awful responsibility to have, to be responsible for saving another persons life. thats so true, it is. I couldnt agree more.
I’m not ready to discuss it with her yet though. I first have to think up how to put it to her because, I know she’s not going to react too well to what I have to say.
What do you think? Am I right to feel this way about it all? Would you feel similarly if it was you in the predicament?
carol anne

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

50 thoughts on “The recent crisis with our friend and how it effected us so profoundly”

  1. If that was me in the same situation, I would probably drop the friendship immediately. No offence, but even though it was lovely for you to help her and yes you should help your friends, what you just described sounds like she is trying to control your life in some way. In this instance, I personally would have told her not to thank me for saving her. I would have told her to get a grip on herself and grow up and stop acting like a child. Maybe she didn’t want to die. But she did everything wrong in order to get attention. There are so many other much nicer ways to get attention. I truthfully agree with your therapist, you shouldn’t have to be responsible for somebody else’s life like this. Especially when the person you saved was only interested in herself and was very inconsiderate so all she wanted from you was sympathy in order to suit her own gain. So she was basically using your friendship to make the situation all about her. This is how I see it.

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      1. It’s still good that you try to help everybody though. You know you haven’t done anything wrong. I think you are right too, to feel concerned for people you love. It’s just sad that your friend had to go about it like she did. Try not to let this get you down too much if you can.

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      2. I’m glad you guys are still friends! It’s one of those things, everybody copes with life differently. We can all have our different view points on the same subject currently? Lol! But honestly, at the end of the day everybody copes in their own way and some people react with sympathy, some people don’t. So it’s good that you both have decided to keep the friendship. Matters is that your friend is still here.

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    1. Unfortunately feeling alone and suicidal doesn’t come with the ability to think rationally. Even though this friend may have done it as a cry for help instead of intending to die, it doesn’t make it any less serious. We all do shit, unreasonable things when we are desperate. Eileen is suggesting that Carol Anne sets a boundary, not tell this friend that she is a terrible person!

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      1. Yes. Setting a boundary is important. I’d never ever tell her she’s a terrible person. And she isnt. She’s a very nice person and very caring, but just wasnt thinking clearly. xo

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      2. I’m just giving my opinion. You have no business to tell me not to voice my opinions thank you! And it’s not your place to decide who other people alike. So please keep your nasty thoughts to yourself.

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      3. Yes I knew that. I think though behindapaintedsmile30 was not trying to imply that you couldnt voice an opinion, she was just giving her point of view on the situation. And thats perfectly ok to do too.

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      4. The first comment that she made at me about suicide being irrational and all that, the writing tone was unkind and that’s the point I’m making. Oh well, you can’t reason with some people. I’m out of here anyway. I don’t like blogs where people get others into fights.

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  2. You are a very good friend for calling her an ambulance. It was very brave of you to help her. Hopefully she sees now that she’s not alone and she is cared for. I hope you and your friend work everything out. It’s important that she understands that although you love and care for her, you shouldn’t be taken advantage of or put in such a predicament. Thank you for sharing your stories 🙂

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  3. I did feel a bit funny when I read about that, if I’m honest. Eileen is right that it’s not your responsibility and I think she is advising you to set a boundary with your friend. I don’t know how much support your friend has in terms of a therapist etc, but it sounds like she needs a safety plan. I’m sure that you will be able to set the boundary in a tactful way.

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  4. I’ve been there hun, well in a similar position (they called me told me then hung up and didn’t answer again. I didn’t know where they lived so couldn’t call an ambulance for them and They didn’t tell me they had changed their mind, thrown up the pills and were ok till the next day).
    It’s an awful feeling to be in that position of responsibility, to be the person they’ve told and to feel you have to help but at the same time know there’s only so much you can do. Being manipulated like that is never good and you have every right to be upset about it, she needs to know that her doing that to you has left you feeling so bad. Maybe tell her if she feels like that again that the Samaritans or 101 the non emergency medical number (I can’t remember if you’re under UK phone systems) rather than putting that stress onto you. Hope you’re all ok xox

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      1. Oh when I finally got back in contact with him I told him just how much he’d upset me by doing that! It’s been 16 years and I can still remember how awful that night was…I do hope he’s OK now a days.
        xox

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      2. Yeah, awful, I can imagine you remember it clearly, I know I’ll never forget this incident, its not the first time she’s tried to die, but its th e first time she’s involved me or gotten me to call an ambulance for her. xxx

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      3. Hopefully she’ll understand when you tell her and get how hard the situation was for you (and that you don’t need that!). Maybe you can help her write a safety plan of other people to call if nothing else (and do tell your shared Dr, they need to know). I’ve been having a lot of suicidal ideation recently but I’d never put that pressure on the people in my life, my therapist knows and I write about it on my blog…but only once I’ve calmed down a bit and am safe again so there’s no reason for anyone else to have to panic.
        You’re awesome hun, all of you are and I’m so proud of you for coping so well with this. I hope all the alters are OK after such a stressful situation.
        (((hugs))) xox

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      4. hi hun. yeah, i get suicidal and write about it on my blog too, but like you, i dont put that stress on anyone, except I do tell my dr. and therapist. The alters are so so, some are still panicking. xo

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Glad you talk to your professional support as well as on here, it’s always good that they know what’s going on.
        Sorry to hear that your alters are struggling after all that. I’m not surprised but it’s so sad that they’re panicking and triggered by it all. Here’s hoping you all find something nice in today to help calm down 🙂 xox

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  5. This made me think of my suicide attempts from
    Another point of view , both times when I nearly succeeded , I didn’t tell anyone or try to let anyone know , someone both times found me .. the one time i was sort of serious but probably not enough to actually do it , I “ hinted “ to someone.. I was honestly wanting attention or to be rescued in some odd way .. I don’t know about your friend though !
    I did not however realize what pressure or emotions did put the rescuer through until I read this ..
    maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s making you feel .. and I have discussed my almost successful attempt with my husband and it helps me to hear how hard it was for him ( but it was months later after the episode )

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    1. Hi Stephanie, I will tell her how I feel I think, I think its a way for us to work through things, I will be honest with her, but also mindful of her fragile state of mind right now. I’m glad you didnt succeed. xo

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      1. It made me see that even though I felt no one else suffered the way I was, that in reality they did. It also showed me that I do have others who care, and I’m working on learning how to tell people what I need from them to feel whatever I need from that relationship . But if you’re having issues yourself and she’s a true friend , I wouldn’t think she’d want to put more stress on you either. Unless she thinks you’re the only one who understands and won’t judge

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      2. I dont think she wants me to be stressed out. In fact I’m pretty sure she doesnt. She knows I get it I understand how it feels. But we do need to have a conversation about it I think. xxx

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  6. You did right helping your friend and from when you first posted about this, I was thinking that are you ok too, after the calm from the panic before.

    I thought this was a call for help too and when she did this, like you say, she probably wasn’t there thinking straight. But I hope there are safety plans in place where she can call someone else, like a support worker. It wouldn’t be fair and I would be concerned if she was to do this again, had I been in your shoes.

    This is a difficult situation you have been put in and when you do chat with your friend about it, she should understand about a boundary that needs to be in place. It wouldn’t be fair to put you down in that position again. Xx

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  7. I had something similar happen to me, the main difference being my friend told me she was going to do it, but only after I had pushed her a lot. I don’t think she was going to tell anyone, she was waiting for a time, when her son was going to be away so he didn’t find her.

    I called the police, who sectioned her under the mental health act, she was pissed at me, but a year down the line she started talking to me again, and said that I had done the best thing for her and apologised for putting me in that position.

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      1. Exactly, however it is different from your case, as she hadn’t done it, was just planning it, so I wasn’t in the same sort of situation, but like your friend, she wasn’t accepting any help or doing it herself, I would certainly have a conversation with her

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  8. That is not the sign of a good friend. It does sound very manipulative as if she is pushing the boundaries of your friendship to see how far she can go. It is definitely something that needs to be discussed.

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