jessy im so confused

im jessy. im 13. i was out for all of yesterday, well most of it. and then this morning i went to therapy. i was feeling very confused. yesterday when i was out i just layed on the bed. i didnt talk to anyone, i was too scared. when i first came out we were outside, in the garden with our mom and sister. i didnt stay outside. i went back in and to my room. i just felt so scared. so lost and so confused. it feels like i dont know anything or anyone. everything feels really weird. i feel so weird. like everything around me is unfamiliar. eileen kept asking me questions this morning, she was trying to make me notice my body, but that felt too hard. she showed me how to give myself a hug. i tried i really tried hard to do it. but i didnt like how my body felt. it felt uncomfortable. she kept explaining to me that it is my body. that i am allowed to be in it. but i just didnt feel like it was my body. i felt all distant and far away and like it was hard to feel my legs and arms and stuff. in the end i sat down and we talked about other things. i knew eileen, because i’ve watched others talking to her. she doesnt know me though. i’ve never spoken to her before today.
jessy

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Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

10 thoughts on “jessy im so confused”

  1. Hi there–I’m Donnalee. I’m sorry you’re feeling confused, but glad that you at least know eileen. Maybe sometimes you can pay attention to the body and sometimes just do something else, while you start to figure out what’s going on for you. Best wishes–

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  2. Hi Jessy. It’s nice to meet you. If it’s been quite a while since you’ve been out it’s probably going to take some time to be able to connect with the body as it is now. I think Eileen’s going to be able to be really helpful with that process, and she’ll understand how hard it is.

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  3. Hi Jessy. I’m glad you came out although I’m sure it was confusing since you don’t come out much. Even if you don’t plan to comeout very much,it’d be a good idea to ask questions of the ones who do, such as get them to describe the house the body lives in, perhaps get used to petting Nitro so that he feels real under your hand. If you happen to come out when you’re with other outsiders such as your mom and sister, see if you can blend with someone like Emily so that she can explain things to you so you don’t need to feel so scared and confused. Since there are so many of you, not every single one of you will get to comeout all of the time, but you might find something that you can touch an ground yourself with such as a pillow or a blanket. You can hold it and know that it is something that is quite normal to touch. Nitro, though is a good one to touch because he is a living, breathing animal and he can make you feel safe and you can make him feel loved. xxx

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  4. Hi Jessy. 🙂 It had to be really confusing for you to come out out so of the blue and not knowing anything about your surroundings. But I’m glad that at least one good thing has come out of it, that you talked directly to Eileen and she was able to meet you. I think it’s no wonder you have a hard time feeling connected to your body now as you haven’t been out for so long, but maybe if you’re starting to come out lately, it will become more frequent, so you’ll get used to how it feels. Hugs. 🙂
    Emilia

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