LIZ TALKING ABOUT CRYING IN MY THERAPY SESSION

WELL THERAPY TODAY, WAS UM, MESSY. VERY VERY MESSY.
I ENDED UP HAVING A VERY LONG CONVERSATION WITH EILEEN REGARDING CRYING. NOT EVEN SURE HOW WE GOT ONTO THAT TOPIC. BUT WE SOMEHOW DID. I TOLD HER I AM NOT A CRYER. I RARELY IF EVER, CRY. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW DURING THE ABUSE IT WASNT OK TO CRY, IF YOU DID, YOU WERE PUNISHED EVEN MORE, ABUSED MORE, MORE TORTURE, SEVERE PAIN AND MORE SEVERE ABUSE INFLICTED ON YOU. I WAS EXPLAINING ALL OF THIS TO HER. I SAID I LEANRED FROM A YOUNG AGE TO PUSH MY EMOTIONS DOWN, AND NEVER EVER CRY. SHE SAID SHE COULD UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD. GIVEN ALL I’VE BEEN THROUGH. I TOLD HER THAT IN OUR SYSTEM CAROL ANNE IS THE CRYER, OR EMILY, BUT NOT ME. THEM TWO THEY HOLD A LOT OF OUR EMOTIONAL SIDE. CAROL ANNE ESPECIALLY. SHE CRIES AT MOVIES AND BOOKS. EILEEN SAID TO THINK OF IT AS AN OVERFLOW. SHE SAID ITS LIKE IF YOU HAD A TANK, AND THE TANK WAS FULL, AND SOME LEAKED OUT, BECAUSE IT WAS TOO FULL TO HOLD ANY MORE, THATS CALLED TH EOVERFLOW, THAT MADE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME. SHE SAID IF I AM NOT LETTING MY EMOTIONS OUT, THEY HAVE TO COME OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE. AND WHEN CAROL ANNE OR EMILY CRIES, PARTLY THAT IS THE OVERFLOW OF MY EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH AND OUT AND BEING RELEASED. MAKES PERFECT SENSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT. I TOLD HER I SEE CRYING AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, SHE SAID ACTUALLY, THAT SHE SEES IT AS A SIGN OF STRENGTH. THAT KINDA FLOORED ME. THEN SHE FLOORED ME EVEN MORE. SHE SAID SHE CRIES, AND SHE IS GLAD SHE CAN CRY. SHE IS GLAD SHE IS ABLE TO BE WITH AND FEEL HER EMOTIONS. I CANT PICTURE HER CRYING, SHE ALWAYS SEEMS SO STRONG, IT WAS ACTUALLY A COMFORT TO ME TO KNOW MY THERAPIST CRIES, AND MIGHT FEEL SAD SOMETIMES. SHE ACTUALLY SAID SHE DOES GET SAD. AND FEEL SAD. AND WHEN SHE DOES SHE TAKES TIME TO RELEASE THE SADNESS FROM HER BODY. IT WAS TRULY FASCINATING TO HEAR HER SAY ALL THIS. I WAS ALL EARS. SHE SAID IT WOULD HAPPEN FOR ME IN TIME. THAT I NEED TO TRUST THE PROCESS. AND LET HER SUPPORT ME. WE DID A LITTLE EMDR EXERCISE. THAT WAS HARD. IT WAS TO DO WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELING THEM. I TOLD HER I FELT LIKE MY EMOTIONS WERE LIKE A WATERFALL. AND THAT IT FELT LIKE THE WATER WAS CASCADING DOWN AND ABOUT TO OVERTAKE ME. SO SHE HAD ME VISUALISE IT AND VISUALISE HER STANDING WITH ME US BOTH STANDING TOGETHER NEARBY. SHE SAID WE COULD STAND AS FAR BACK FROM IT AS I NEEDED TO BE. BUT THAT SHE WAS WITH ME AND TOGETHER WE’D NAVIGATE IT. AND SO WE DID. I NEVER DID CRY. BUT I LET MYSELF FEEL THE EMOTIONS. I HAD TO TURN DOWN THE DIAL A FEW NOTCHES A COUPLE TIMES, BUT I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE IT AT 1.5 AND FEEL SOME OF THE INTENSE EMOTIONS. EILEEN SAID THATS PROGRESS. IT WAS A REAL STRUGGLE NOT TO DISSOCIATE, NOT TO FLOAT AWAY. SHE ASKED ME TO TELL THE FLOATY PART TO JUST WATCH, THAT IT WAS OK, THAT SHE’S GOT THIS, AND SHE’S GOT US AND SHE WONT LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO US. I STRUGGLED, STRUGGLED TO STAY GROUNDED, PRESENT, BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, WHEN I’D START TO FADE ON HER. A FEW TIMES SHE SEEMED SO FAR AWAY. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO HEAR HER WORDS. BUT EACH TIME I MANAGED SOMEHOW TO COME BACK TO THE ROOM AND BE PRESENT WITH HER. IM PROUD OF THE WORK I DID. NOW TO JUST GET THE CRYING THING UNDER CONTROL. I TOLD EILEEN THAT I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I START CRYING I WONT BE ABLE TO STOP. SHE SAID I WILL, THAT MY BODY WILL KNOW, IT WILL STOP EVENTUALLY. BUT SHE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT IF I’VE HELD ON TO IT FOR YEARS THAT MY FEAR MAY BE THAT THE EMOTION WOULD OVERTAKE ME AND CRIPPLE ME OR SOMETHING. I CERTAINLY DIDNT THINK ALL THIS STUFF WOULD SURFACE IN TODAYS SESSION. THERE WERE OTHER THINGS ALSO HAPPENING INTHE SESSION BUT THEY WERENT TO DO WITH ME. THE DISCUSSION ABOUT CRYING WAS MAINLY WHAT I TALKED ABOUT.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

12 thoughts on “LIZ TALKING ABOUT CRYING IN MY THERAPY SESSION”

  1. Good for you, Liz. Crying isn’t an easy thing for me to do, either. I’m glad you talked about it with Eileen. xxx

    Like

  2. Sounds very intense. I can relate to you Liz as for the crying thing. I do cry nowadays, but I didn’t cry at all for many years and it still feels quite unsafe for me, somehow not OK to do, and yeah, I have exactly the same feelings that when I start to cry, I won’t be able to stop, and that it’s not OK to get all those things I feel out. It’s better though with time and I’ve also learned that crying can be sometimes very relieving. I am sure so will be for you, you’ve already come a long way. I hope you will some day be able to let your feelings out, I think the fact you’re feeling so emotional and all a lot of the time may be because you can’t let it out, that’s what often happens to me as well. Hugs. πŸ™‚ I bet you’re tired after such a hard session, and going to the vet with Nitro afterwards. πŸ™‚

    Like

  3. I like that description of overflow. And with the idea of a tank means that the tears aren’t endless – once the extra has overflowed, no more has to spill out.

    Like

  4. You are brave Liz for all the work you are doing! I am so glad that you have such a knowledgeable and caring therapist. I hope it becomes easier for you to continue to trust her and let her help you navigate thru all of this. πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ’š

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s