therapy-Body reactions

IN THERAPY TODAY A LOT CAME UP. EMILY STARTED OFF THE SESSION. SHE TALKED A LITTLE TO EILEEN ABOUT THE WEEKN, ABOUT TIME LOSS, ABOUT THE SYSTEM, ABOUT WHO WAS STRUGGLING ETC. THAT WENT WELL. THEN SHE TOLD EILEEN HOW WE ARENT SLEEPING AT NIGHT. BECAUSE WE ARE TOO SCARED. THE KIDS ARE AFRAID OF THE DARK. THE DARKS HAVE BEEN HAVING MEMORIES, THERE WAS SUMMER SOLSTACE, THAT WAS HARD FOR US. EILEEN LISTENED. THEN SHE SAID SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE A CONFERENCE WITH ALL OF THE ADULTS. SHE FIRST TALKED A LITTLE TO THE KIDS, THOUGH. SHE TOLD THEM ALL TO GO INTO THE SAFE ROOM INSIDE, AND TO EITHER PLAY, OR SLEEP, OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO TALK TO THE ADULTS AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT A FEW THINGS. THEY WERE ALL OK WITH THAT. SO SHE HAD US ALL GO TO OUR CONFERENCE ROOM INSIDE. AND WE HELD A SORT OF MEETING. HOWEVER THAT DIDNT LAST TOO LONG. WE TALKED FOR A LITTLE WHILE, AND THEN SHE BROUGHT OUT THE PULSERS. SHE SAID WE WERE GOING TO TRY AN EXERCISE. SO SHE HAD US THINK OF A TIME WHERE WE WERE AT OUR BEST. STABLE. MENTALLY WELL. THRIVING. SIMPLY PUT, AT OUR BEST MENTALLY. SHE HAD US THINK OF IT WHILE HOLDING TH E VIBRATING PULSERS. BUT SOME OF THE DARKS KEPT BLOCKING IT. THEY WOULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING IT UP. EILEEN GOT CURIOUS AND ASKED WHY, WHAT WAS THREATENING THEM. WHY DID THEY FEEL THEY COULDNT ALLOW US TO BRING UP THOSE FEELINGS? EVENTUALLY ONE OF THEM TOLD HER THAT THEY WERE FEELING INVALIDATED, AND LIKE THIS EMDR SHE WAS HAVING US DO WAS OF NO RELEVANCE RIGHT NOW. SHE STARTED TALKING TO US THEN ABOUT TRAUMA, AND THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HOW WHAT WE ARE STRUGGLING WITH NOW IS ALL PART OF OUR WHOLE OVERALL REALITY. EXCEPT HALF WAY THROUGH I COULDNT HEAR HER ANY MORE. I FELT FAR AWAY. I FELT CUT OFF. I FELT LIKE SHE WAS GETTING FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM ME. I FELT SO WEIRD. I STARTED SHAKING, BAD. IT WAS REALLY BAD. I HUGGED THE PILLOW I WAS HOLDING TO ME. EILEEN NOTICED. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK. I TOLD HE R NO. I WAS STILL HOLDING THE PULSERS, MY BODY WAS GOING INTO SPASM. I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PULSERS GO I’D COLLAPSE. THE VIBRATION OF THEM IN MY HANDS WAS KINDA SOOTHEING ME A LITTLE BIT. I WAS ALSO AFRAID THAT IF I LET THE PILLOW GO SOMETHING REALLY BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO ME. EILEEN WAS REALLY KIND. SHE SAT NEXT TO ME AND STROKED MY HAND, YOUR OK, YOUR OK, SHE SAID. ITS JUST YOUR FREEZE RESPONSE LETTING GO, SOMETHING I SAID OBVIOUSLY REALLY TRIGGERED A RESPONSE IN YOU. ITS OK, THOUGH. YOUR BODY CAN HANDLE THIS. YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM IS REALINING. THATS ALL IT IS THAT IS HAPPENING. I GOT WORSE AND WORSE. MY WHOLE BODY WAS TREMBLING. I COULDNT BREATHE. I COULDNT TALK. ALL I COULD DO WAS SOB. I WANTED TO CURL UP IN A BALL, WELL SOMEONE INSIDE DID, I COULD FEEL IT. SOMEONE ELSE WANTED TO RUN BEHIND OUR CHAIR AND HIDE. WE TOLD EILEEN THIS. SHE OFFERED COMFORT TO US. SHE HELD OUR HAND AS WE SAT THERE STRUGGLING. SHE KEPT SAYING I’VE GOT THIS. YOUR OK. I’M HERE. I CANT HANDLE IT. I WONT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU. I’M HERE, SUPPORTING YOU. I HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH A PHYSICAL BODILY REACTION. IT WAS JUST PURE HELL. EVENTUALLY IT DID CALM DOWN THOUGH. AND WE WERE ABLE TO GO ON WITH OUR SESSION. AT THE END OF IT EILEEN SAID WE DID SUPER WORK TODAY. AND THAT A WHOLE LOT HAD COME OUT OF TRYING TO BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY. I AGREED, IT HAD. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT DOING THAT EXERCISE WOULD BRING ON SO MUCH BODILY REACTIONS. EILEEN JUST KEPT TELLING ME IT WAS THE TRAUMATIC STUFF RELEASING FROM MY BODY. THEN SHE COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY POETRY AND HER WRITING. SHE SAID SHE REALLY GOT IT. REALLY GOT WHAT LIZ WAS SAYING, FELT HER FRUSTRATION ABOUT SHIRLEY OUR HOST NOT ACCEPTING HER OR ANY OF US. WE CAME HOME AND FELL INTO BED. FELL ASLEEP FOR HOURS. WE WERE DRAINED. I’M SO GLAD WE HAD THE SESSION THOUGH. IT REALLY DID HELP EVEN IF MY BODY FELT WEIRD FOR HOURS AFTER IT.
LIZ

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Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland. View all posts by Carol anne