Anticipation

I am waiting with anticipation for this day to be over. I’m really really upset and anxious right now. And very very triggered by this day.

I just want it to end. Please let it end soon. Just over 2 hours to go until its midnight here. God the time is going so slowly.

As darkness falls I get more and more upset. My nightmare begins. I start to remember.  I start to remember every bad thing that happened to me in childhood. The rituals. The cult. The meetings they’d take me to.  The abuse.

God, oh god, it feels unbearable, remembering.

So I go and make myself a cup of tea. maybe the tea will soothe me. I can hope. I pat nitro. His fur soft underneath my shaking hand. Oh how I love him.  He always knows what to do to give me a little encouragement.

I sit and I wait and I drink my tea. And I hope, and look to tomorrow with anticipation that it will be a better day.

 

 

Anticipation-word of the day June 19th

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

26 thoughts on “Anticipation”

  1. i hope that its ok. you are so brave carol anne, and every single one of you. you have gone through such terrible things but survived it. that is what makes you so amazing. also, you have not only survived it, but also you are still a wonderful, kind, nurturing person despite it all. so fuck them, the people who did it to you. they failed at ruining you. they failed at making you evil like them. you are a wonderful person and you are my friend. i am so happy that you survived.

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  2. I’m really sorry it’s such a crap day for you. I’m so glad you have nitro. How is liz doing? I know yesterday was hard for her with the therapy, and these days are hard for her too. I’m so sorry for all of you having such a hard time.

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      1. Yay! I can stick around and write for a while if it helps. We did get some cats, and so I am keeping track of them, since they are pretty naughty.

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      2. We got three older cats, and the girl is a chubby five years or so, and she is named Pumpernickel. I call her Plumpernickel since she is chubby. She is very friendly and snuggly to me, and stays in a bedroom with me or alone, since the others are a little bigger and she is nervous. She was there something like six months or more, in a cage, and got very nervous.

        The boys are about four and eight years old, and came from the same household, so we are glad they can be together. They are called Bart and Banjo, and are muscular healthy cats who love to play and run around and eat all the food they can. They were all in rather small cages and didn’t have much room to really strecth–they are so long when they stretch out. They all seem happy here with us.

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      3. Yeah, they’re really nice. They were probably not going to get adopted, or maybe not together, or not soon, so i am glad they have a nice big house to roam around in. It’s already messy, so they can’t hurt much. We just had to put the plants up out of their way since some are toxic for cats.

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      4. Yeah, I’m so happy they can be calm enough at night. I only figured out today that my best friend’s littles were a little bit afraid that I would want to give them back if I didn’t completely adore them, but I reaasured them that of course I’m not giving them back–I had forgotten that the place has a policy that you can return them within 14 days if they don’t work out for some real reason. I kept my last cats until they were about 19 years old and passed on, so I am unlikely to just ditch these.

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