YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BAD COOK WHEN
You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.
Your family buys Alka Seltzer in bulk.
When you barbecue; two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire engine siren.
Your microwave display reads “TILT!”
Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Mr. Muscle and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.
Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.