clara-therapy session

so we were back to therapy today. what a relief! it was such a relief to be back. was sooo happy to see eileen again.
there was a bunch of my sisters inside though who were angry. angry that she left us. angry that she came back and wanted us to work on stuff. angry that they had to go to therapy at all. they didnt want to go.
she asked if i’d be the spokesperson for us all. so i was.
we talked through the anger. that was hard. i get it that your angry at me for leaving you. i get that, she said softly.
do you? do you really get it? i do, she said.
do you think we could talk about the anger? nooo, we dont wanna, we cant, the words, they wont come, we cant…
slowly we tried though. and we did succeed at it eventually.
i told her how i’d been trying to email her stuff this week but couldnt find my words. but then today i was able to talk to her about it.
it felt like i was on my own this past two weeks, i said. i felt alone. i felt horrible. i wanted you there with me. but you werent there…you were gone…
i hate when your gone…
some of the teen insiders were in a strop. its as if you were never coming back, i said almost in tears. but i’m back now, clara. i’m back, i didnt leave, i know it felt like it but i’m here…i’m still here…
then i started telling her about my body. i wanted to punch out my arms, not at her, but just, to get the anger out. but i couldnt. my movements were stiff and cumbersome.
so i started to tell her about my body, how im 15, and my body inside, is totally different to my body when im out. i have so much energy inside, my movements are powerful, they are strong, i feel strong, but then, when i come out, and am out in the body, my movements dont feel as strong. my body reacts slower, i feel very slowed down, i certainly dont feel like im 15 when im out.
so we talked through all that. and then eileen had me do some body exercises, she practiced what she learned last week on me! i was the very first person she practiced her learning on! that felt so good!
so she had me walk through some exercises where i noticed my arms, the muscles in them, how they felt, what they were wanting to do, and then she had me do it, move my arms, punch out my arms, feel it, feel into it, and it felt sooo good to do it!
we are going to do some more work next week on it. but for this week she wants me to practice the exercises i did with her.
and she wants me to continue practicing my breathing. she said thats very important.
so yeah a good therapy session today!

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “clara-therapy session”

  1. Sounds like a hugely productive session, Clara. It’s great that Eileen was able to help you release some feelings, and yeah, it surely had to feel nice that you were the first person on whom she practiced what she learnt, I’m glad these exercises were helpful. 🙂


  2. Wow, Clara, good for you! I’m glad you found the words to tell Eileen what you needed to tell her. I know that your inner body is a fifteen-year-old one and the outer body is much older. I think, though that when you are out, you can help strengthen the outside body with the exercises you do. You can make the outside body move more freely and it will benefit you, too. Good going!


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