Having children

A friend of mine just wrote a post about having kids. I have been thinking on it. I am childless but not by choice. I am childless due to having no ovaries. I am also childless due to being a lesbian and unable to have kids in the natural way. If I had ovaries, and I was straight, I think I’d have kids. I’ve always wanted kids. I could adopt or foster kids, but due to my mental illnesses I doubt I’d be allowed. I think the social services are very strict on that. I’ve never tried though. I could do IVF but its far too expensive to try it. I desperately wish I had kids, though. I’ve always longed to be a mom. I do question my parenting skills though. I am not sure I would make a good mom. I find it desperately hard to mother my littles so I think mothering a child would be super hard for me. I wish I could give it a go though. I ache to be a mom. I long for it. I do have my niece and nephew who I love dearly. I am not their mom though. But I do give them ample love and affection. I dote on them. At least I can be a mom to my furbaby. That counts. I love him and dote on him too. I also think my blindness would prevent me from having kids, since I think I would be watched closely if I did have a child. I don’t particularly agree with this stance since my friends are blind and have kids, in fact my best friend has two, but then she has a sighted partner so that helps. I feel like my chance to have a child was kinda robbed from me. Because I didn’t have a choice as to whether my ovaries were removed, they had to be for medical reasons.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

26 thoughts on “Having children”

  1. So sorry you are in such a hard situation. Although I myself wouldn’t rather like to have kids any time in future, I ca imagine how very hard it must be for you to be childless not by choice. Yeah I guess social services are often so strict that even if you could make for a fantastic Mum, it’s pretty likely they just wouldn’t allow you because of your disability and mental illnesses as many people tend to think if you are disabled/mentall ill, you just can’t or even should’t be a parent. This is so sad. Sometimes when I talk to different people I feel like it’s very often that people who actually didn’t want to or shouldn’t have children have them and those who’d make great parents and always wanted to have kids, are childless.

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  2. You certainly have the right to feel all that you feel towards this matter. Especially, matters of all the love you want to give to another living being. You would be a great parent, even if it’s to your furbaby. That’s how I feel about Peanut. I tried to have children in the worse way, but God had other plans for me. Things do happen for a reason, and I believe that I did have children because of all that I faced later in life.
    Did you ever think of volunteering at a children’s hospital, or youth groups?

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  3. I don’t have children and I thought I would be a mum one day when I was in a relationship of 6 years. But he could not commit and so I left. But then look what I accidentally discovered last year, when I found he had abused a child and this he kept hidden in all those 6 years of knowing him.
    Now, I don’t intend to be with anyone else, so it means no kids. This is what I have accepted now. My heart does not hurt as it once did, for wanting a child. x

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  4. My sister tried to adopt. She was told she could but she had to have been symptom free of her mental illness (depression) for minimum of 2 years. You wouldn’t be “watched” but you’d certainly have extra support and help… even if you were sighted and without mh issues and decided to adopt. Adopted kids are kids with issues so all adoptive parents are given truck loads of support (I have a friend who is gay and adopted a little lad). As a mum with Mh issues who has been involved with social services the horror stories are not true. They support families staying together as their first priority. So if you adopted you’d be given more support than you can shake a stick at. Probably waaay more than you have now. There’s charities that support mums with mh issues. I guess what I’m doing is trying to adjust your thinking to a realistic stance. Yes your mh issues would make it hard and probably it wouldn’t happen just yet but no it’s not a complete impossibility and no it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a mum. I think like that sometimes and it drives my suicidal behaviour but actually… I’m a good enough mum. Not perfect but then nobody is. Everyone shouts at their kids, everyone wishes they could “send them back” at some point. Every mum has mum guilt and feelings like she can’t do this and is the worst mum in the world. The reality is 33% of the time you’ll be a bad mum, 33% of the time you’ll be ok and 33% you’ll be spot on and THAT is completely normal and totally achievable even with MH issues. Just don’t give up… if you can get yourself well and stable and stay that way for 2 yrs (of course this is mainland UK I’m talking about here but can’t imagine Ireland is too different) there is hope. Maybe use that as an incentive for yourself? You’d make a cracking mum because you can empathise and that’s what kids need most xx

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  5. I always wanted to have children too but was unable to. I understand your pain. I also feel I would be denied the option to foster or adopt. It makes me feel less than a woman and less than the countless women out there who get pregnant so easily and either abuse their children or abort them. They don’t realize what a beautiful gift that they have been given.

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  6. I am not and you will not feel sorry for what you lack. Not to sound harsh, so don’t take to heart. Too much do we focus on what we don’t have then what we do have. Ok, so you lack the physical ability. You should not let this bring doubts upon you to think that you would not be or could not be a mother. When I was six years old I lost my mom. Her death divided my family up, leaving me to be in foster care. For such a very long time I had longed for a mother. Unfortunately, it never happened and when I became a mother myself I often found myself doubting if I could be a good mother since I did not have one. But along the way, I fought long and hard to not allow the absents of my mother disable my ability to mother my children. So I want to tell you that there is always a child out there waiting to be loved and you have the ability to make a difference. Even if it’s not in the traditional way. Being a good friend goes a long way.

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