WHY CANT I LET HER WORDS IN?

I FEEL LIKE I DONT EXIST. I FEEL DEAD. I FEEL UNSEEN. I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I JUST WANT TO QUIT, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE.
THE WORDS I SAID TO EILEEN TODAY THROUGH SOBS.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE PROBLEM?
NO, NO, PIXIE, SHE SOOTHED.
YOU ARE NOT A PROBLEM. I DONT SEE YOU AS A PROBLEM.
I SEE YOU AS A STRONG, INTELLIGENT, SMART, WOMAN.
WHY DONT I SEE THAT?
ALL I SEE IS PAIN. PAIN, SADNESS, BLACKNESS, TERROR.
I FEEL UGLY. I FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD. I FEEL FEARFUL. I FEEL LIKE A HUGE BURDEN.
WHY CANT I LET EILEENS WORDS IN?
WHY CANT THEY REACH ME?
PIXIE

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

34 thoughts on “WHY CANT I LET HER WORDS IN?”

      1. I’ll stay more in touch. Promise😉 it’s early here in NY but I’m so tired from all the fuckin nightmares lately so I’m heading to bed early. Talk again soon

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      2. Oh no it’s okay I had that iPhone for the longest time. It was the 4s and I was due a new one so. That iPhone was put through a lot from me. I threw it across the room in an angry outburst in therapy session twice.

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  1. Pixie, I know how it is when someone says something to you and it actually can’t reach you. Let these words grow, repeat them to yourself, recall them when you feel particularly depressed, and let them slowly ingrain in you. They are true, you just need to believe in them. And this takes time, because contrary words were said to you so many times before. You are seen. You are cared about. I see you and care about you. and Eileen does. Even if no one else does, but I’m sure there are many more people who do. Hugs. 🙂

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  2. For what it’s worth, I couldn’t agree more with Eileen. But I also hear you on feeling that way – oh my geez do I hear you. When T tells me similar things, I start small. So, I’ll pick the one thing I think might be the easiest for me to at least consider to be possible for being my new truth, then I’ll temporarily tune out the others and just try sitting with the one I picked out and start wondering about what all it could mean for me if it was true — then when that’s easy, how much different the new truth would feel compared to what I currently believe about myself —- then when that’s not so tough anymore I start with pretending for an hour, then a set of hours, then a day and so on that those are true. Eventually for me it becomes easier and easier to see myself in the new way.
    Libby

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  3. Hi sweetie. You’ve had to put up a lot of barriers to protect yourself in the past, but the more you work with Eileen the more you’ll be able to let her words in and the better she’ll be able to help you safely lower those barriers sometimes. That’s going to take a lot of hard work, but I know you can do it. Sending hugs and love xo

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  4. The words will not reciprocated unless you honestly believe and accept what is said. I recommend speaking to Eileen using a letter. Sometimes writing to explain what garner and how it affects you helps. Give the letter to Eileen and the talk about it.

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  5. Because letting positive thoughts in us a process. You go forwards and backwards and if you are a sensitive soul then the darkness affects you more. You will get there because Eikeens words are true!

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