A very traumatised pixie

ITS ME, PIXIE. YESTERDAY I HAD MOST OF OUR THERAPY SESSION. IT WAS SO HARD. I WAS NOT IN A GOOD PLACE EMOTIONALLY. I WAS DEPRESS, FELT HOPELESS. EILEEN TOLD ME THOUGH THAT THE HOPELESSNESS IS ACTUALLY A MEMORY SURFACING. THAT THATS NOT ME. THAT ITS A YOUNGER PART OF ME. AND YOU KNOW, SHE’S RIGHT. BECAUSE I FELT A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME RIGHT THERE RIGHT THEN. SHE WAS ABOUT 16. AND SHE FELT SO HOPELESS, TRAPPED, LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. YOU SEE, THE ABUSE CAME OUT WHEN OUR BODY WAS 14, THAT IS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE WAS REVEALED. BUT, YEAH THERE IS A BUT. IT DID NOT END. WE WERE LEFT IN THE BORDING SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR AFTER THE INITIAL DISCLOSURES. WHY, YOU MAY ASK. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT KNOW. IM NOT SURE WHY OUR MOM CHOSE TO SEND US BACK THERE, ITS SOMETHING WE HAVENT FORGIVEN HER FOR. BUT WE WERE LEFT THERE, AND THE ABUSE CONTINUED, AND NOT ONLY DID IT CONTINUE BUT IT GOT WORSE. WORSE BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE CHOSE TO TRY TO GET OUT, TRY TO GET HELP. BUT WE WERE WRONG. WE DIDNT DESERVE THE HELP. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE THINKS. ALL SHE CAN SEE IS THAT SHE’S TRAPPED, AND THERE IS NO WAY OUT. SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE ABUSIVE SITUATION EVEN LONGER. NO ONE CARED. NO ONE TRIED TO HELP HER. NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. NO ONE CARE IF SHE DIED, OR LIVED. SO YESTERDAY IN THERAPY SHE WAS REALLY NEAR THE SURFACE. EILEEN SAID SHE’D WORK WITH ME ON TRYING TO GROUND HER INTO THE PRESENT. AND I SAID I’D TRY IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP HER FEEL BETTER. BECAUSE THE HOPELESSNESS IS HORRIBLE, AND EFFECTS ME AND I HATE IT. THE FEELINGS ARE SO SCARY. BIG AND SCARY. AND UNMANAGEABLE. SO WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. AND IT WENT WELL. I MANAGED TO SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. OUR HOUSE AND WHILE WE SHOWED HER DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF OUR LIFE NOW EILEEN ALSO TALKED TO ME, KEEPING ME ANCHORED TO THE PRESENT. SHE HAD ME FLASH BACK A FEW TIMES TO 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE’S MEMORIES. BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, I TRIED TO FLASH BACK ON MY OWN BUT I GOT STUCK, I COULDNT COME BACK OUT OF THE MEMORIES ON MY OWN, I NEEDED EILEENS HELP TO DO IT. BUT YEAH. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION. WHEN WE GOT DONE WITH THE EMDR I TALKED TO EILEEN FOR A WHILE ABOUT MY OWN INTERESTS. ABOUT HOW I LIKE TO TRAVEL. ABOUT HOW WHEN I WENT TO AMERICA TO MEET OUR NOW PARTNER WELL CAROL ANNES PARTNER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE SHE’S MULTIPLE TOO AND IT WAS NICE TO JUST HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER MULTIPLE WHO REALLY TRULY GETS IT AND GETS US. THAT WAS SO COOL. WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING FOR HOURS. I HAVE FRIENDS IN THEIR SYSTEM AND WE’D HANG OUT AND DRINK HARD LEMONADE AND PLAY MUSIC AND WATCH SOUTH PARK. IT WAS COOL. EILEEN HAD ME WORK WITH THE PULSERS TOO FOR A WHILE BRINGING UP THE GOOD MEMORIES OF TRAVELING TO AMERICA AND WORKING WITH THOSE. SO YEAH IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. AND BY THE END THE 16 YEAR OLD PIXIE WAS CALMER. WHICH WAS NICE. WE LEFT FEELING A LOT CALMER. WELL SO THATS GOOD, RIGHT?
PIXIE

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

11 thoughts on “A very traumatised pixie”

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