i saw dr. barry this morning. it went really well. i told her how depressed i’d been lately. she wondered if i was having side effects to the prazosin. she said low mood can be a possible side effect. she decided not to raise it again or change any of my meds and to just see how things go over the next couple of weeks. i was happy with that decision. i told her i’d joined slimming world. she knows emily is bulimic and today i told her about kelli and her issues with food and weight. she kept asking me if we were eating, i think she was worried because she said are you sure you arent skipping meals. we arent. but we could start if we were not being careful. we talked a little bit about the did reassessment and the final report since it has now come through. i told her a little about the recent memories we’ve been having. that led on to a conversation about the bording school and whether we’d ever taken a case against the school. so then we ended up talking about that for a while. we also talked a little about shirley and her denial of our diagnosis. mostly she denies it, sometimes she’ll say that yes there are people in her head but then she says she doesnt know why they are there, denying any existence of child abuse in our past. dr. barry wondered if i was feeling depressed because i was thinking about all of the responsibility i had in the system. she knows i’ve been avoiding that lately, well ok not avoiding but i’ve been not wanting to talk about parenting the kids. thats a sore spot for me. i said i didnt know. i guessed maybe it was true that maybe i am feeling ambivalent about the parenting of the kids. i dont really want all of the responsibility. its hard enough to be a protector in our system, i think i’m failing miserably at it. dr. barry asked me to think about her and her practice, does she need to know absolutely everything about her patients and what is going on for them in order to deliver a good service? i said i guessed not. she said sometimes its just enough to do your best, and be good enough. she said i hold myself to very high standards, i know that already. i am a perfectionist. i like to do things right. if they arent right i feel bad or like i’m failing and a failure. she said i need to let go of that idea otherwise i’ll drive myself crazy going in circles. i know she’s right. i told her i’d decided to let the kids have time in the evenings so that they might be less activated at night. we talked about it for a while. i told her they seem to like having their own time, but that i didnt know yet whether it was benefiting us as a system. i will have to keep going with it for a few weeks. we talked about sleep and she told me to try herbal tea at night, instead of making tea in the middle of the night wheni am awake. i told her about liz not going to therapy last week and about eileen challenging her on that. it was a good appointment. it was productive. i felt so much better when i came out of there. i felt freer and like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.