Kelli on ed issues

hi. im kelli and im 16. im not new to our system but today was my first time going to therapy. well i didnt actually show up, but i did get som e time to talk to eileen. she actually asked for me, once emily told her who i was. that felt nice. it felt good to be seen and i liked that she wanted to talk with me and get to know me.
i have issues with food and weight. and emily had been talking to her about us having joined slimming world. i said i didnt want to get skinny, im happy to be fat. eileen wondered why that was.
so then we talked about triggers, and memories. that was hard. i told her that once our abuse came out the abusers told me that they werent interested in me any more anyway, because they said my body was changing, eileen said it could be that they werent interested because i was growing up, at 15 i was getting older, and it might not be about my body at all.
i never thought about that. i guess she could be right.
we were discussing my triggers and i started to feel really young, like 9 or 10. and i started to dissociate and get really foggy. i was being pulled into a memory and i couldnt get back to the room, i could barely hear eileens voice talking to me.
when i finally did get grounded, she asked me to step back from the memory, so i did, and then i was able to report what i was seeing to her.
when we were in the bording school, food was always used as a punishment, they’d purposefully not allow us to have any. so then we’d go to school and sneak food from the day pupils, and then, when we’d come back to the bording part of the school for our lunch, the staff would make us sick, to prove we hadnt eaten anything while we were at school.
they’d give us syrup of ipecac and make us violently ill.
that was what i kept remembering today. eileen patted my hand and held it and kept telling me its ok, you’ll never have to protect that 10 year old from hurt again. and she kept telling me what an awesome job i did of protecting the 10 year old me.
it was so hard. i couldnt believe i was actually talking in therapy about all this. i never ever in a million years thought i would.
but i’m glad i did. she said she did not think we were finished with this topic by a long shot. that there was a lot muddled up in food and a lot of trauma and messages and different people in the system wanting different things.
she told me for this week i needed to rest, maybe take some time out to do an activity i liked, and to put my memories ina container until next time until we could work with them again.
that is what i am trying to do now.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

12 thoughts on “Kelli on ed issues”

  1. Hi, Kelli. I’ve never seen you before. I’m so glad you talked to Eileen about the eating issues. From what I’ve gathered most abusers count on their deeds not coming in to the light. As long as they can keep what they’re doing between themselves and the ones they are abusing, then they have power. When their deeds start coming to light, then the power lessens, even though the abused person may not feel so at first. I hope you and Emily continue to work on them with Eileen. xxx


  2. Hi Kelli, nice to meet you. That’s wonderful that you had a good talk with Eileen. From what Carolanne has said about the Slimming World diet it’s about putting healthy food into the body, which sounds very different from what happened to you at boarding school. I’m confident that Eileen will be able to help you get through this. xo


  3. Hi Kelly. 🙂 It sounds like you had a really intense session, which I think is good. I’m very happy for you that you had a chance to talk to Eileen about your eating issues and stuff. Hope you will be able to talk to her again soon.


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