Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

13 thoughts on “Why do I cut?”

  1. Liz, if I dare. It is not the knife you crave to cut the pain, but the acuity of understanding to slice through the layers of numbness. It’s a softer edge, one that will sew together the broken pieces, peel back the warped sense of loathing that follows abuse, help you love what’s beneath the skin. I use to be a cutter too. It helps in the moment but not the long run. Here’s an affirmation that helped me: I didn’t to where I am overnight; change takes time. I am worth it. Hugs from here.

    Like

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