im kira and im 12. today i got to talk to eileen. i had a lot to say.
we started off talking about anxiety and about how we struggle with feeling like we are not normal. eileen kept saying we are normal. and there is nothing abnormal about us.
she ask me to think about if a miracle happened, and i woke up one day and all the anxiety was gone, and all the icky memories were gone and i felt good what would that feel like.
we worked with that for a while and we worked with the pulsers and she asked me to tell her how i felt in my body and what images came up for me.
that was hard. some of the other insiders werent happy doing that. it made them feel like they were not being heard.
i hadnt told eileen at the start it was me. i tried to say i was carol anne. because i am used to blending in and not being seen. i am just used to being here and nobody noticing me. but she noticed.
she asked whose this I am talking to?
at first i was too scared to say but eventually i did. and she said she’s very glad i told her who I am. and that I am very welcome.
after a while i told her a little bit about me. and about what i hold.
i hold the memories of a rape that happened to us 10 years ago. we did not really go into the memory today but we just talked a little bit around it.
it is me and emily who hold the memory of that night. i hold the memory of what happened and emily holds the memories of the examinations in the hospital afterwords.
i told eileen that the bigs are reading a jenina fischer book about did and trauma and she talked to me about the different terminology that jenina uses to describe parts.
she said she thinks i fit in with the freeze and attach parts. both of those types of parts are a match for me.
after a while we stopped working with the pulsers. i asked if i can hold her hand. and we sat holding hands for a while. that felt good.
then she said will we try an exercise, did i want to.
i said yes. so she had me think up a place that i felt calm in. somewhere either where i’ve been or she said it could be an imaginary place. i picked tirc waterfalls in killarney, its a place i’ve been and its very peaceful.
so then she had me imagine that, the place, smells, sounds etc. we used the pulsers again then for a while when i did that.
and then she thought me how to do the thing in EMDR where you cross your arms over your chest and you tap each side fast but not too fast, first you tap the left and then the right side. and she said i can do that and think up the place, and i had given her a word, peaceful, to describe the place.
she said if i can bring up the word during the week and do the tapping and stuff, thats my homework for the week.
at the end of the session i got a big hug from her. i wanted to stay wrapped in her arms forever. but i couldnt. i had to pull away from her. i didnt want to though.
it was a good session. im happy she got to meet me and she saw me.