Lots of discussions today with dr. barry

I had my apt with dr. barry yesterday morning. we discussed a ton of things. the system, shirley coming out last night and how confused she was. emily and her anxiousness and worry over eileen retiring, did i mention shes worrying about that now? she thinks somehow that eileen is about to retire. and leave us. dont know where that came from but she is really insecure and frightened. anyway dr. barry was great. she reassured us all like she always does. we talked about hospital and our familys reaction to us being in there. and dr. barry pointed out that i seemed angry about it and that she thinks my anger is misplaced, that I seem to be angry at the wrong people and for the wrong reasons, you see, we were talking about how i think my family dont get it, but how i dont have any choice, I have to get it, I cant say no I dont wanna deal with this mental shit illness today, or any day, its here, she said its not their fault for what happened to you in Dublin, i know that, but it hurts, i guess she’s right. i am angry but i’m really angry at the people who abused me, not my family its just its easier to be mad at them. but anyway. at the end of the appointment i thanked her for what she did for us last friday, when she held our hand, it was such a risk to just blurt it out to her, she thanked me for being honest. she said she knew i needed more than just words of reassurance then and that is why she chose to do what she did. i told her it really impacted us all and all of us felt the benefit of her touching our hand and holding it for that couple of seconds longer than usual. I said how I feel touch is so very important to us, good, safe touch. We dont see her again now for two weeks. She asked me how I was feeling about that, did I want to change it back to weekly, but I said no, I want to try stick this out, even though its super hard to not see her weekly, if I start going back now, we’ll be going backwards again, I want to try to build up the secure attachment to her, to know that when i go back in two weeks she’ll still be there, I dont need to worry, i want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can wait it out. I wont drown in the process…emotionally drown I mean.
carol anne

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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