I know you love me. Deep down I know you do, but sometimes my brain makes me think that you don’t. I might act like I’m distant and cold, uncaring and have no feelings or I might try to pick a fight with you for no good reason. When I’m hurting and need you the most I often push you the hardest. I try not to. I really try. But so many times people have given up on me because I’m too much to handle. Maybe I’ve even given up on me a little too. So I push you away then you leaving was on my terms and not yours.
Or maybe I’m trying to save you from dealing with issues that you shouldn’t have to deal with. You deserve someone who is whole and I feel so broken.
I battle my brain every single day to try to fit into what society sees as normal. It’s a hard fight. It’s emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually draining. It truly takes it out of me. I know it puts a strain on our relationship no matter what kind of relationship that is.
I know you think you try to help when you give me advice on what will work to solve my issues. But you don’t understand. You don’t deal with the same issues as I deal with. I might listen to you in the calmer moments of life but in the moment I feel like I’m in crisis, yes, I’m going to act defensive. But you pushing back in a defensive way makes me feel that you don’t love me and have never accepted me for who I am.
I come with a lot of baggage. I’ll agree with you we all have baggage. We all carry around loads of things from our past and our present. We all deal with them in different ways. I try to explain, but there’s not really a ways to make you see what it’s like to feel exactly what I do. How do I show you that I’m trying to “act right” and “act normal” when I’m fighting just to stay out of the bed? How can I show you that I’m trying to “stay calm” and “stay focused” when my mind is racing in a thousand different directions and I can’t slow things down? How can I figure out what’s true and what what’s not when I have paranoid thoughts and irrational rage pulsing through my veins? Every once of my energy is trying to regain control of me – for me, for my family, for those I love.
Yes, I seem distracted sometimes. Yes, I have to cancel plans sometimes. Yes, I’m tired all the time. Yes, I have a hard time living life. Yes, I have a hard time. Yes, I admit it.
I admitted it before. I take the handful of pills that I call my cocktail that do help but there’s not cure or magic solution. Yes, I talk to the therapists, psychiatrists, to the doctors, and support groups. Yes, I work the plans, stay on the routines, using coping techniques, and work the programs that are set up for us. Yes I educate myself and try new things. Yes, I feel like battling my own brain is a 24/7/365 day job and yes, I’m tired. Yes I need your help and yes I love you dearly. But I don’t know how to help you understand and I don’t know how to show you. I don’t know how to let you in anymore than I already have. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.
You say sometimes you don’t know how to talk to me. You say you don’t know if you make a joke if I’ll fly off the handle. Guess what? That makes 2 of us. I am overly sensitive about somethings. There’s so many things that could trigger me. I know some of them, but I don’t know all of them. I learn more about them every day.
I know it’s hard to love me. I’m glad that you stay. I’m sorry that I don’t say thank you every day for sticking around another day and putting up with someone like me. But you do and I am. I broken. But aren’t we all?
I know that everyone has issues and we are all fighting battles of some kind that we might not see, but don’t discount my pain because you can’t see it. Just pray for me and love me and know that I’m doing my very best. I promise. I’m doing my very best.