THATS NOT MY BODY?

ITS LIZ. SO TODAY IN THERAPY AN INTERESTING TOPIC CAME UP. I WAS TALKING TO EILEEN TELLING HER THAT I’D BEEN TALKING TO SOME OF THE INSIDERS AND BETWEEN US WE FIGURED OUT THAT WE’RE VERY DISCONNECTED FROM OUR BODY. AND WE DONT SEE IT AS OURS. WE SEE IT AS BEING SHIRLEYS. SO EILEEN WAS ASKING HOW OLD WE FEEL, SHE ALWAYS ASKS THAT, SHE ASKED ME TODAY, I SAID 18, AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, OK, SO YOU FEEL 18, AND THERE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AGES AND STAGES AMONGST INSIDERS, BUT YOU KNOW, WHEN I AM LOOKING AT YOU NOW AND WE’RE TALKING, I HAVE A COMPETENT CAPABLE ADULT IN FRONT OF ME, A 37 YEAR OLD COMPETENT ADULT, DO YOU SEE THAT? NO, I SAID, I DONT. THEN SHE ASKS ME CAN YOU GET YOUR THUMB AND MIDDLE FINGER, AND PRESS THEM OFF OF EACH OTHER, DO IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL? ME, NOTHING? OK, DO IT HARDER? SO I DID. NOW WHAT DO YOU FEEL, WHAT IS THE SENSATION? ME, CONSTRICTION, TIGHTNESS. SO YOU DID THAT, YOUR BRAIN SENT THAT MESSAGE TO YOUR BODY AND YOU DID THAT, I DIDNT DO IT FOR YOU, YOU HAD TO CHOOSE TO DO IT, DO YOU SEE WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS? ME, UH, NOOOO, NOT REALLY. I AM JUST REALLY CONFUSED. I JUST…I JUST FEEL SOOO DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY! THEN WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE OTHER NIGHT RAVEN WHOSE 11 WAS OUT, SHE HAD THE URGE TO CUT, SHE WAS ALMOST GONNA DO IT, ANDI WAS WATCHING, BUT COULDNT DO ANYTHING, I WAS FROZEN, FROZEN AND UNABLE TO GET PAST HER TO GAIN CONTROL OF THE BODY AGAIN. AND WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE, WHEN YOU WERE WATCHING HER? EILEEN ASKED. IT FELT SO SURREAL. IT FELT LIKE I WAS FAR AWAY, IN THE DISTANCE, I WANTED TO COME BACK OUT, I WANTED TO BE IN CONTROL OF THE BODY, BUT I WASNT AND I COULDNT GET THERE. DID YOU SEE YOURSELF OR DID YOU SEE HER AS THE CHILD THAT SHE IS, EILEEN ASKED. I SAW A YOUNG VULNERABLE FRIGHTENED CHILD, I SAID. THIS DISCUSSION WENT ON FOR A WHILE. IT WAS SO INTERESTING. AND I THINK WE NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT OUR BODY AND THE SHARING OF IT, AS SOME INSIDERS, NOT ME PERSONALLY, BUT SOME OF THE YOUNGER ONES, AND TEENS, ALL DO NOT BELIEVE THEY SHARE A BODY, YOU’D HAVE A HARD TIME CONVINCING THEM THE BODY THEY ARE PART OF IS NOT ACTUALLY THEIRS. EILEEN TRIED ONCE TO MAKE ONE OF THE DARKS BELIEVE IT, BY PLACING A CHAIR ACROSS FROM THEM AND ASKING THEM IF THEY COULD MOVE AND SIT IN IT, AND THEN THEY DID AND SHE WAS LIKE YOU SEE YOU HAD TO MOVE TO DO THAT, THE BODY YOU OWN HAD TO MOVE, YOU DIDNT AUTOMATICALLY SIT IN THAT ACHAIR, YOU COULDNT HALF YOURSELF TO GO SIT IN IT. ANYONE ELSE WITH DID, DO YOU FEEL LIKE THIS? DO YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR BODY? DO YOU FEEL AS IF YOUR BODY ISNT YOURS? DO YOU GET FRUSTRATED ABOUT IT? DO INSIDERS DENY THEY ARE SHARING A BODY? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS.
LIZ

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

2 thoughts on “THATS NOT MY BODY?”

  1. Hi Liz. that’s a very interesting topic. I’ve read several books by people with DID and it seems to vary how they feel about the body. You system is so large and fragmented that it’s no surprise that some insiders don’t recognize that they have a share in the body. What I noticed is that in the smaller systems where most or all of the parts come out from time to time, they are very aware that they share the body, even though they may have a picture in their own minds as to how they think they personally look. I am guessing that it’s very easy for an insider that never comes out to think it’s quite alright to cut the body because they are so disconnected that they won’t feel any physical pain if they do it and they feel it will lessen whatever mental pain they are feeling. I know that there have been times when the littles had to run the show and act like big people. During that time one or other of them had to be out and talking and acting like who everyone thinks of as Shirley. /During that time, they have to do outward thing like cress themselves, handle food and plates, pet Nitro and do all kinds of physical things that require touch. If they didn’t make it so they could actually feel what they were doing, there would have been accidents like dropping things-something you can do when your hands are numb-or other things that can happen when you have no feeling in your physical body. It will be something you’ll be working on for quite a while because there are so many insiders to convince that they share the body.

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