This is Allie

yesterday i had time with eileen in therapy. i had almost the whole session. i felt so safe and so happy it felt good to be able to have time with her. we talked about some memories i’d been remembering. she held my hands while we talked so that i wouldnt get pulled into the past. i like it when she holds my hands. i play with her jewelery and i was nervous so i kept switching hands and holding one first then the two of them ha. it was nice to just sit with her holding her hands. she asked me how i felt being able to just talk to her. i said i felt loved and seen and validated. how does that feel in your body? she asked. it felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. soft and warm and safe. she said i am really good at describing how i feel and how my body feels. she said some adults wouldnt be able to do that. that made me feel good to hear that. i did not think i was that good at describing things. but she said i am. the memories were hard to talk about. i cried a lot. got really upset. was shaking and sad and stuff. but i am glad i talked to her about them. cuz it did help me to feel better once I did talk. i hadnt slept on monday night at all cuz the memories were bothering me. so at the end of our time together yesterday eileen hugged me and told me to go inside and try to sleep. i asked her if i can bring her with me to sit by my bed. she said thats a great idea and she would come with me. we also talked about how eileen sees us when she talks to the kids. she said when she talks to one of us she pictures how we’d look and so she sees a child when she looks at us that she doesnt see the adult body. she asked me when i got upset if i knew we’d grown up. sometimes i do but sometimes i dont. we talked about being grown up and life now and now not being the same as back then when we were in dublin. she has to keep reminding me of that. sometimes i get all mixed up between what is now and what was then. im glad i got to spend time with her though. i needed to do that to feel better again.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

14 thoughts on “This is Allie”

  1. Hi Allie. I’m glad you got to spend a lot of time with eileen. She’s right about your description. I love the idea of the warm blanket wrapped around you. I’m glad you got to pull out those memories and talk about them. Do you have an idea of how you look as a little nine-year-old girl? I know that some people in systems decide how they look and it’s very different from how the body looks. I think about you being about four feet tall with a long pony tail which is almost to your waist. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Allie You are so brave for talking to Eilleen. I am struggling with describing how my body feels so the fact that you can do it so well is impressive. I am so glad you could talk about the sad scary stuff. Hopefully you could sleep after that.

    Liked by 1 person

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