Change is hard

i’m a little stressed out right now. i guess all this change has caught up to me. so much change. and i am not good with change.

first of all i’ve started with the new cpn sarah. she has already spoken to dr. barry. last week i spoke to sarah about the hard week i’d been having. yesterday i find out she told dr. barry everything. i dont know how i feel about that. i did not realise our sessions werent confidential.

part of me feels relieved that she did speak to dr. barry. but part of me is like, i dont want her to tell her everything i say to her. i know dr. barry is my consultant. and she needs to know how I am doing. I guess I just thought some things would be confidential. After all that is how you build a relationship with someone.

I think though with the mental health team, they all write everything into your chart. So say when i see sarah or mark the OT or the social worker, they write a note in my chart for dr. barry telling her what we’ve been discussing and working on. At least that is what I think happens.

I’m a bit miffed it has to be this way. It feels like everything I say or do is scrutinized. I hate that.

Then there is the did assessment. Its happening soon. Its not an assessment for diagnosing did, thats already been done 7 years ago. But rather an assessment to see where we are going with treatment going forward.

I am nervous. What if they say I can only be treated for so many years. What then. I doubt they will but the worry is still there. These are the did experts, after all. What they say will have a major impact on how dr. barry works with me in the future.

She will take her guidance from them. She will do what they suggest. Eileen reassured me on Monday she isnt going anywhere. That she will be here for us for as long as we need. That it is and will be our choice when we finish therapy. But what if it isnt? What if the funders wont pay for therapy for more than a couple of years. What then?

Its hard to think about. It makes me incredibly stressed just thinking about it.

With my new college course, and the independent living skills course there is also a lot of changes going on with the structure of my days. I will not be able to spend as much time in the basement club as I have been doing. I am afraid of losing that community. Technically I wont, because technically once your a member then your a member for life. I know I can always go back. But when you have been out of the loop for a while it can be daunting to go back again.

I wont be able to go to the basement club once th eindependent living skills course starts. I wont have time. I’ll literally be doing the course from 9 AM until 5 PM every day. There wont be much time for anything because outside of that I’ll have to do my college work for the addiction studies course. I’ll be lucky to be able to keep up with blogs, email and facebook. I hope I will as these are all very important to me.

So yeah a lot of change going on. I just hope I’ll be able to cope with all of it.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

24 thoughts on “Change is hard”

  1. Change is intimidating, that is true for all of us! You have a list, but I have noticed that, even when you feel anxious about changes, you are regularly successful at navigating through. You are pretty amazing!
    Take one worry of your mind, you aren’t being scrutinized. They share information so they don’t miss out on a way to help and support you. They are your team! Tell them how you feel and be reassured.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, deep down I know that they are my team and they need to share information, I guess it just surprise me the amount of information that Doctor Barry knew without me having to tell her, it’s good in a way I suppose, thank you for saying I am an amazing person πŸ™‚ you are so kind XXX

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Yeah, I know what you mean about change. I have a hard time with it too. It’s only afterwards that I look back and see how beneficial it was. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the DID assessment. Your system is far too complicated for them to assume that a couple more years will have you right as rain. As for your mental health team, everyone has to know everything. If you don’t want everyone to know, then you’ll have to not say anything that all can’t know. I would bring it up with Dr. Barry though because you would like to know that confidences can be kept. Perhaps Sarah is so new that she thinks that everything you say is of equal importance and has to be discussed and known by everybody.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, I know, I like that she cared enough to tell Doctor Barry, that part feels good, it’s just I’d like some things I say to be just between us if you know what I mean, just like I like somethings I said to Doctor Barry to be just between us and they are Dr Barry doesn’t tell the others everything

      Liked by 1 person

  3. if anyone can deal with all this change, it’s you. you are fiercely independent and resilient. and you never give up. regarding the sharing of information thing, ya, i think if they work in the same office they keep each other in the loop. but you could always ask about privacy and sharing of confidential info and see if you could request they not do that in the future maybe? good luck with all your new stuff.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Change is really hard. Try to take a deep breath and hang in there. I understand the anxiety about the meeting but from the outside looking in, it seems you have a wonderful supportive team. ❀️❀️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Changes are really stressing out, I can only agree. But I absolutely admire that even though you’re so anxious and stressed out, you are still open for these changes and don’t give up. It’s great. It can be really annoying, when your team is documenting everything you say, but I think you realise that is because they want to help you effectively and to cooperate. Thoughh I’m sure they would be flexible enough to respect your privacy if you’ll ask for it in some cases. As for DID assessment, I can imagine how anxious you must be with these thoughts. But if they are experts, they should see that you still need support and help and shouldn’t be left on your own totally out of it. Anyway I hope so. Or if they won’t, I’m sure DR Barry is wise enough to see if it’s otherwise, that you still need her help and won’t leave you and blindly follow what they say. Maybe you could talk about it to her and she could reassure you somehow? You’ll be incredibly busy in near future. But I believe in you and I’m sure that if you’ll have good organisation, you;ll surely be able to fully involve in both courses and take everything of them, find time for yourself and for online activity and maybe even go to the basement club from time to time. You’ll manage!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You are very busy! Doing so much. Change for me comes hard and I have to ease myself into one new thing a week.
    My logic tells me that sarah and dr barry talking about you is them trying to stay on the same page and help you the best way they can. The other part of me says and feels that I would want your new relationship to be built on trust and not thinking someone is going nback to someone else and telling them everything. I have such a hard time knowing someone is discussing me but I know it is illogical if they have my best interest at heart…sometimes my past makes me not logical though!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah me too πŸ™‚ sometimes my past catches up with me I get triggered and all reason goes out the window. I know Sarah and Doctor Barry are only trying to stay on the same page deep down I know that. I still might talk to Doctor Barry about it though

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The good thing is I know I can tell her I know she will understand πŸ™‚ that’s the good thing about our relationship it’s built on trust and I do trust her 100%


  7. I fully get what you’re saying about feeling scrutinised, that is something that drives me nuts with some of the older members in my family who always share and pick over everything I’ve told them, or they’ll try to get me to discuss something in front of everyone that I’ve told them in private, and it makes me never want to tell them anything at all. It’s sometimes hard to separate this unnecessary intrusiveness from the helpful sharing that goes on as part of mental health care.

    Speaking as a health professional myself, I think that there are different expectations of confidentiality for different parts of treatment but sometimes this isn’t really made clear. For example, I think there is an expectation that nothing you say to your therapist will be repeated, unless you’re at immediate risk and other people need to know (or supervision-related stuff). But there is less of an expectation privacy between treatment team members other than your therapist. I would also expect that someone like an occupational therapist or nutritionist would pass on things if they thought were important, especially to the person heading up the treatment team, even if they were pretty personal. It might even make them uncomfortable to be asked to “keep secrets”, depending on what you told them and how you put it.

    The best thing to do is discuss it with everyone so you know where you stand, and to find a middle ground where at least some of what you share is just between you and the other person so you can maintain at least some sense of privacy and trust.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bravery is not the absence of fear but rather the belief that something is more important… sounds like you are taking awesome steps, allowing yourself the truth of your feelings as you walk through new doors… πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘….:):)


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