i feel so good after therapy. makes a change. normally i am drained. and its not that we did not do hard work today, we did. but i feel good, and not at all exhausted afterwords.
I had all of todays session. that felt good too. its been a while since i’ve had a full session.
we talked first about college. i told eileen i’d been accepted onto the course and i was starting tomorrow. we talked for a little while about that. that led onto a convo about my strengths.
we talked about how during the abuse i threw myself into things like learning, and the performing arts. i was in stage school at the time. i did speech and drama, tap dancing, singing. we talked about how the year the abuse finally came out, I still ended up doing the xmas pantomime, and the abuse came out with two weeks to go to christmas. and i still ended up doing the show.
i also threw myself into learning. i studied and studied, did well in school, did well in all of my exams, despite being severely bullied and despite being sexually abused.
how does that even happen? eileen said dissociation was a valuable tool. i guess she’s right, it was. she said how some kids when they are being abuse cant concentrate, they cant learn, but i could.
i feel lucky i guess that i was able to dissociate. it meant i wasnt anxious. it meant i was able to go on. i was able to keep going, the abusers didnt break my spirit. the bullies didnt break me.
we went on to talk about parts and change. the darks were having difficulty with the concept of change. eileen wanted to hear from them as to why they felt they didnt want to change. she asked me to ask them so i did.
they said they were afraid of getting better. getting better equals losing support. she kept reassuring them she wasnt going anywhere. “i have no intentions of going anywhere, I’ll always be here for you, for as long as you need me”. I’m not leaving. it is always going to be your choice when therapy ends, your choice.
that was a shock to us. we have never had a choice in our treatment before.
well then, I guess your stuck with us, I said. And we both laughed.
we worked for a little while with a very young part. a 2 or 3 year old. she finds it hard to go in between sessions without contacting eileen. she is so attached to her and just needs her care constantly. eileen worked with her. and she was able to figure out that its all linked to our childhood.
when we were very young we lived with our dads family. all of who were alcoholics. when our mom had to go somewhere and wasnt able to bring us along, she’d leave us with our aunt, who was more interested in alcohol than in looking after us. so this little girl is associating memories of our aunt, and mixing them up with now and the present time.
We talked through it and it felt good to get it all out. I felt lighter afterwords.
Eileen asked me to try to not edit stuff that I say when I am with her. I said I’d try. I dont want to but sometimes its so automatic that I cant help it. I know she would never judge me, but I am so used to people being judgemental that it is what I gravitate towards.
I guess fear and abandonment and attachment issues played a huge part in the session today.