so we are not doing very well. we are feeling very mentally unwell. very emotional. also intense suicidal feelings. i did manage to go see rose yesterday which was nice. seeing her helped me to distract for a while. she gets it and she really gets me. i was able to talk to her about how i was feeling. she actually noticed without me saying anything. she said to me, i thought you had went downhill this past week, you were withdrawn and taking longer than usual to reply to texts etc. i told her i was sorry and then told her how i felt. she was very sympathetic. right now the system is in a lot of chaos. lots of the younger insiders are really struggling. i’m trying to be there for them as best as i can. i think part of it is they are scared i will do something, but i promised myself that if things get to a point where i feel like i am going to do something, i will go to get assessed at the hospital. i’m hoping it wont come to that though. i’m hopeful i can wait it out until i see eileen tomorrow. at least then we can discuss things, and talk about things. i wont be seeing dr. barry this week because i am going on respite tomorrow. but that might be a welcome distraction too. at least it will be a change of scenery. and i have the basement club i’ll be going there 3 days this week, and i have sarah on friday. so i am very much supported. i really just have to get through today. i think i can do it, i have hope.