I just need to know she cares…

its emily again. i am so sad. i am hurting. i need eileen. i need her so much. i wish she knew i needed her. she’s probably still in bed. where we should be. i just need her to scoop me up in her arms. hug me and tell me its all gonna be ok, i’m gonna be ok. i dont feel ok. i feel sad. hurt. alone. abandoned. needy. vulnerable. lonely. so so lonely. i need her to reach for me. tell me how much she loves me. she doesnt say that to us. she has never said i love you. i wish with everything she would. maybe she does but she just doesnt say so. i want her to say it. i’m too scared to ask her. to scared in case the answer is no. too scared of her response. she says i can ask her anything. but can i? can i do it? ask her if she loves me and if i did, what would her response be? i need her right now i need a grown up to take care of me i need her wisdom and i need her love.
emily

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

7 thoughts on “I just need to know she cares…”

  1. Emily, sweetheart, it might help to sit down and write an email to Eileen. She may not answer, but sometimes it helps to express feelings to the one that you feel strongly about. I seem to remember that she did say I love you in an email once. You might ask Carol Anne to look through them. I know she cares deeply for all of you. I wish I could put the built-in knowledge that you are loved and cared for into your mind. I know it’s hard to believe for a twelve-year-old, but one day you will feel very differently than you do now. It’s like you’ve opened up all those boxes of memories and it’s flooding over you, but the more therapy you have and the more you bring out those memories, their ability to frighten you will be less and less. It will take time and I know right now, time moves pretty slowly, at least it did for me when I was 12. Hugs. xxx

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  2. Lots of great big strong {{{{HUGS}}}} to you Emily. I know it feels so lonely for you right now. I am pretty confident Eileen loves you based on the way she cares for you. ❤ She wants only the very best for you. I would tell her how you feel. It will make you feel less isolated and alone.

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  3. Emily, writing an email to Eileen would be a really good idea. You can even just write it and not send it to her, how you want, but just writing your thoughts should help. I can’t reassure you that Eileen loves you, but I just think she might, she’s so very caring to you all. Though I understand you’re too scared to ask, it’s a very difficult question to ask anyone, especially that she’s your therapist and she may feel that she shouldn’t say such things to you of ethical reasons, even if she loves you. I would really wish she could tell you someday that she loves you. 🙂 Hugs and love! 🙂

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    1. Thanks 🙂 I know deep down that she loves me. Even if she doesn’t say so. Sometimes I just forget. It’s hard when I don’t internalise the things she says. Doctor Barry says I need to try and internalise what she says to me. So I’m going to try. Love emily XXX

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