How does that part help you?

its emily. i talked in therapy today. it was my first time really opening up and talking in therapy. i have talked a few times but today was the first time i really talked and said a lot about my memories and about my role in our system. i was nervous going in. jade had told me that it was important i went to therapy today. there has been a lot going on for me. i’ve been really struggling with memories, with eating issues, with suicidal thoughts. its been so hard. i told eileen it feels like there is an internal war in my head. there is this voice. the voice says things to me like dont be weak, you mustnt talk, talking is weak, keep everything in, its not ok to need, needs are bad, you mustnt have needs at all. we explored that in therapy today. eileen asked me how the voice, who she said is actually a part of me, is helping me. i didnt know. she told me to take my time and wait, see if the voice says anything in response to me asking. so i asked. at first there was no response. then all of a sudden it was like a huge light came on. the voice spoke and said that it sees me as a 9 or 10 year old back in dublin. and back then it wasnt safe to need. it wasnt safe to be vulnerable. that is how we ended up hurt. so it wants to protect me from being hurt. that is why when i try to be open with eileen it shuts me down. it shuts my emotions off. it does it to protect me. that made a ton of sense. eileen asked the part if it was willing to work with us. willing to get a new job. work with the emotions to try to figure out when they actually needed to be shut down and when it was safe to actually let them out. she said I am holding a lot for a 12 year old. I agreed with that. Sometimes I feel so responsible. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel like I am not doing enough to protect the system. Eileen said Carol anne and Liz and Jade need to work with her to help me and that next week she would work with them so that I didnt feel like I was on my own so much with everything. Right now, when things get hard, I shut down, and everyone gets blocked, and then I am left on my own to cope, that happens because I am the centre of the system. I was the first split after we were born. We talked about that today, too. It felt good to talk about our system with eileen. She didnt know a lot about how we were organised so I told her a lot about that. I also told her that I held a lot of memories of early life, before age 5, before we went to dublin. That I held memories of living with our dads family for 2 and a half years, who were all alcoholics. There was a lot of emotional abuse took place at that time. And a lot of neglect too. That was before any sexual abuse took place. So yep it was a hard session. I’m glad we worked on things. It helped me a lot. And she gave us the biggest hug, which made me feel so good. but I had to come home and take a nap after therapy. I was just so tired. That always happens to us.
emily age 12

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

16 thoughts on “How does that part help you?”

  1. Wow, Emily, I’m so happy you talked to Eileen and got a lot out there. You’re a very brave young lady. I hope you continue to talk to Eileen. Since you are the center of the system, that makes you very important to the others and makes your decisions important too. Keep up the good work! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Emily, it’s very good you had a chance to talk to Eileen about all these things, as they’re so important. I really hope you will continue to work with Eileen and if you will, I’m sure it will help you a lot. I also hope that this part that was blocking you from talking to Eileen about your emotions will find another job in the system that will be good for all of you and will make her feel useful and needed. Hugs! 🙂 You’re a really strong girl and yes, you carry so much responsibility as for your age. I admire you. Not every child would manage such a big responsibility.

    Liked by 1 person

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