just got home from seeing dr barry. i also said goodbye to karen, but i’ll write about that in a separate post when I’ve processed it a little bit. anyway back to seeing dr barry. i told her that emily was suicidal. she’s 12 and she is one of the insiders who gets really suicidal. last night i found a pile of meds, she’d been stockpiling them. i talked with her, and she said she wanted to kill herself because karen was leaving. i knew that there was more to it than just karen leaving. so i tried talking to her about it. i didnt get very far though. she shut down on me. she did say that she felt like everyone she cares about will just leave. and that it happened a lot already and so she thinks it will just keep happening. i tried to comfort her but I couldnt really say much. i was so upset about karen leaving as well. karen leaving was the catalyst for deeper issues. abandonment issues. deep sadness about the past. grieving for what we never got in childhood. so now we are dealing with a 12 year old whose severely suicidal. and who has plans. dr. barry said that its not about the suicidal thinking, its about the distress and we need to deal with the distress to combat the suicidal thinking. she said it must be so frustrating for me to keep hitting these walls every couple of months and she admitted she was frustrated too. i told her i was hoping she’d have the magic answer today and to hear her say she was frustrated was really hard for me. i dont want her to feel frustrated. she said it is something to keep working on in therapy. i told her eileen is doing all she can to get more communication going. dr. barry said that everyone in the system needs to come on board, that it cant be just me and liz doing all the work. i do agree but its so hard to get the younger parts to hear things and co-operate. after talking about the suicidal thinking we talked about sleep. i asked her about the prozac and sleeplessness. i told her my friend had showed me some stats that said 12 to 16 percent of people on prozac experienced sleeplessness and anxiety. she said i take mine in the morning so that wouldnt really be an issue. she also said that as long as she’s known me sleep has been an issue. that my sleep problems are chronc and in order to fix them i’d need to try to get a really good sleep hygiene routine going. she told me that i should turn off all electronics 45 mins to an hour before going to bed, that if i need them later during the night that was ok, but to go to sleep your brain needs to be activated into the sleep mode, you need to do things to wind down. she told me to try doing 3 things to wind down by night, so i said i’d make a hot drink maybe hot chocolate or hot milk, i’d do some deep breathing and relaxation maybe watch a relaxation video or listen to one of my rain sound cd’s or even the recordings eileen has made us. and i said i’d put some lavender essential oil on my pillow to try to help me as well. she said i should also take halcian and haldol combined for the next two weeks at night. so i’ll be taking 0.5 mg of halcian and 5 mg of haldol to help me get my sleep patterns back on track. i really really hope it works. she said if i am tired i wont be able to concentrate and my ability to recall things and remember things will be impaired. i’ll be irritable, and moody, and non functional. i know all this and am going crazy trying to get things under control, so hopefully these meds and my new sleep hygiene routine is going to make all the difference. she did tell me too that now more than ever this reassessment we werethinking about getting done from the pottergate centre for dissociation and trauma needs to happen. i agree. she needs some guidance going forward about my treatment. especially now that she says the bumps we’re coming up against with the blocks and suicidal thinking and stuff hampering things and the distress being the issue but the suicidal thoughts blocking us from dealing with it. so yeah. good appointment but intense.