lots of realisations in therapy today

just got done seeing eileen. it was a very hard session. lots of realisations today. we talked about anger. a part was very angry. she’s a teen, about 13 or 14. she was so angry at the fact that karen is leaving. she kept saying how much she hates her and that she doesnt care she’s leaving and how she is just moving on and forgetting about us. i know she doesnt really hate her. i know she’s hurting a lot. she’s just lashing out at karen. because its easier than looking at how absolutely hurt she is. she told eileen that when karen leaves she’s going to kill herself. that worried me. i was so worried for her and feeling so protective of her. i tried to talk to her and give her a hug. she was kinda receptive to it. eileen tried to tell her how much she cares. she tried to get her to talk about why karens leaving was effecting her so much. when was the first time you felt like this? she asked. long pause. silence. i dont know! i dont know and i dont care! I dont believe you dont care, eileen said. can you step back? can you notice when you felt like this before? slowly she began to talk. when i experienced disclosing the abuse, i disclosed to a teacher, then she left. she left me.i needed her to fight for me. but sh e left me. she moved on and left and did not look back. and that hurt, eileen said. we cried then. she used the pulsers with us. and we discussed some of the memories around the disclosure of the abuse. we had to go back, when we disclosed, our mom did not take us out of the school. we had to go back. for another year and a half. she was the parent. she should have taken care of us, she should have taken us out of that situation. but we were the ones who had to end it. only because our best friend was leaving. we rang our mom and asked if she would let us leave too. go to school at home. she agreed. we had to end the abuse ourselves. she didnt help us to end it. this 14 year old part is angry and resentful of our mom, too. she didnt have a caring compassionate mom. her mom failed her. that teacher who she disclosed the abuse to failed her. everyone is failing her and now she feels karen failed her too. thats what this is all about. she feels that karen is moving on and doesnt care about her and she’s sad and hurt and confused and afraid. eileen gave her a huge hug. its ok, i’m here and i’ll walk this journey with you. i can feel your aloneness and fear. i want you to know i get it. i can really feel it. it was just such a hard session. but after the session we feel much more settled. much calmer. it felt good to be able to talk about all of it with eileen. we feel heard. validated. we dont feel like we’re on our own any more with it all.

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

10 thoughts on “lots of realisations in therapy today”

  1. Sounds like a very intense session. It’s so sad that your Mum didn’t do anything to make you feel safer and didn’t fully believe you and that that teacher didn’t do anything as wel, so that this girl is now so angry and feeling alone and like Karen failed her too. I’m very sorry about that, I wish it could be otherwise. It’s good that she talked to Eileen about all the anger inside her.

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