today in therapy eileen mentioned about the difference between how parents think nowadays to how it was when i was a kid. in ireland a lot happened in the 80’s, a lot of things that would not happen nowadays. one of those things was when I was hospitalised for meningitis, I was in the hospital alone. At 7 years of age. No one stayed with me, no one comforted me. It wasnt that my mom and dad didnt want to, they probably did. But it wasnt allowed back then. Parents werent allowed to stay with their kids when they were hospitalised. Stuff about how damaging this was to kids was not taught about back then. Much less was known about attachment and the effects of trauma on early development back then. the reason we talked about this today was because i had remembered being alone in the hospital, and I was very frightened, upset, fearful and sad. i told eileen i remembered being in the operating theatre, getting ready to have a spinal tap done. i remember the nurses telling me to count backwards from 10 to 1 and i’d be asleep by the time i got to 1. i must have been because i dont remember ever getting to 1, I just remember waking up in recovery, alone. this memory is haunting me today. I wanted my mom. I needed her. I needed care and someone to stay with me. Someone to hold my hand, tell me i was ok and it would all be ok. I needed that and I didnt get it. Today in therapy eileen said we cant change the past, we can only resolve it. That message has stuck with me and I’ve been reflecting on it all day. What does resolving it even look like? Eileen says I am doing it now. Because I am doing the hard work of healing. Every time I go to therapy I am healing a little bit more. So why doesnt it feel that way?