i wish i wasnt me

hi its allie. and i am sad. very very sad. and scared. i cant sleep. and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. and i wish i had a forever mom. my mom bio mom hates me. she doesnt like or love any of us young insiders. she only likes the adult parts. it makes my heart so sad. i hurt. i want eileen or dr. barry to be my forever mom. they are caring. they are loving. i know they love me because they tell me. they show me by their actions. they pat my arm. or my shoulder. or talk softly to us. or say kind things like calling us pet or hun or telling us to have a good week, take care, stuff like that. our mom doesnt do any of that. ok she does practical things like housework and stuff but i dont want a mom like that i want a mom who will talk to me about hard stuff, play with me, be there for me when i feel sad and cry and am lonely. right now i dont want to be me. i realy realy dont. i’d like to run away. run far far away. but i cant. i am stuck. i cant move. i am trapped. i feel like i cant move like this is one big nightmare.
allie 9

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

17 thoughts on “i wish i wasnt me”

  1. You remind me so much of one of my parts. I haven’t given her a name yet because I’ve run out of old nicknames. She’s the same age as you (between 8 and 10). Little J is 6 or 7 and the baby is 3 or 4. Perhaps you could give the little girl who’s your age a name Allie? I’m useless. I can’t think of one. She would like it if a friend gave her a name I think x

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      1. Obviously I can’t take credit for it! My father named me – mum couldn’t be bothered. I told Claire about Hope (and how she got her name) she was pleased Hope has a lovely friend in you and I have Carol Ann as my buddy xx

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  2. Allie, I also often wish I wasn’t me. But sometimes I feel like wow! how great it is to be me! and I wish you to feel this way soon and I wish you to feel this as often as possible. I’d try to find some bright sides about being you, maybe that should help you, I’m more than sure that there are some brighter sides of being Allie. I also hope you got some good sleep. It’s a pity that your bio mum has such a big problem with accepting you all, not only Shirley/other grown parts, it must hurt, it’s even hurting to read about it. But it’s good that you have your Eileen and Dr Barry and that they care for you so much. It’s a pity that they can’t become your mums, but it’s very very good that they show you their acceptance and love towards you. Hugs. 🙂

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    1. hi emilia i send you some hugs ok and thanks for the support it makes me smile and i am trying to think of good things about being me but right now it is not working so good. love allie

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  3. when you think about having a forever mom, you think about Eileen or Dr. Barry being your 24-hour therapist. True, you might get the cuddles and conversations you want but you also might get the mom who is tired and cross from a long day at work and is cross because you haven’t cleaned up your room or done your hojmework fromschool or you forgot to let the dog out and he made a mess on the floor. that’s what real life is like. what you have now are two people who give you all their attention when you go and see them. they care about your welfare and want you to get better. they want you to accept yourself for who you are and to be proud that you are a strong big girl of nine. xxx

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