we had therapy today after a 2 week break. it was so lovely to see eileen. i did end up asking her where she went on holiday, and she told me she’d been to the south of spain.
it was nice to know where she’d been. it helped me to feel more connected to her. she said she didnt have a problem telling me where she went, but that she wanted to make sure of the reasons that I wanted to know before she told me. I guess she’s looking out for me, she knows I’ve had bad therapists in the past with skewed boundaries and she’s making sure that sort of thing doesnt happen again.
I was really dissociated when i walked in today. we were blendy and switchy. we spent the first 15 or 20 minutes trying to ground ourselves into the present. she kept asking me to feel my body in the chair, feel the parts of my body that were touching the chair, she kept repeating the year and date and other present day details.
eventually i was able to come back fully. we talked about age and how we dont feel our age. that even though the body is 37 we rarely feel that age. mostly its younger parts running the show. and when she says to us she sees a 37 year old woman sitting in front of her it sets off a reaction in us, some insiders have a bit of a moment, shock, and dislike of our body follows.
we talked a bit about ritual dates and the memories associated with the last ritual date which was last week. that was hard. we had no words, or we werent able to find our words. eileen was very encouraging and she helped us a little by prompting us sometimes. that was good. we needed the prompting so that we were able to vocalise how we felt.
we talked about karen leaving and sarah coming on board our team. we hadnt told her about sarah since we hadnt see her since we met her last week. she asked us again how we were feeling about saying goodbye to karen. honestly? I’m afraid to think about it. I know I should, and I’ll have to soon. But I keep denying that its happening. Stupid really as I do know it will happen soon. I am just so sad about it and hating having to lose her from the team.
The session went by way too quickly. We have another 2 week break now because technically eileens still off work until the 21st of August. So its back to counting down the days again until we see her. It feels like it will be manageable though. Now that we’ve had some text contact and seen her once I think we can manage the next couple of weeks without her. We can still email her which is good.