Not coping at all

i think i’m about to die. the emotions are so overwhelming. i cant turn off my brain. i am swimming in grief and desperation and trauma. sadness, sadness oh my god the sadness. i wish eileen was here. i wish i could hold her hand or have a hug. i need that contact. i crave it. i need that connection. i am alone. alone with my thoughts. alone with my fears. alone in the world on a dark night with rain beating down outside and memories taunting me. i have curled up with my baby nitro my dog and burrowed my face into his fur. he is safety. he is my calm. he is loyal and loving and wants to be there for me. right now i need him so much. but i need my therapist too. i really need her. things are not good. i dont feel well. i am so scared. scared of what is in my head. scared of my thoughts and of my feelings. i cant cope. i just cant do this.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

12 thoughts on “Not coping at all”

  1. You’re safe now. All of you. It’s just memories, just memories. Try to hold onto that. Memories cannot hurt you. You’re safe, you’re loved, you’re going to be ok. Nitro is with you. Find comforting things to touch and smells that remind you of happy things (Eileen’s scent bottle). You’ll be ok hunny. It’s one night and it’s scary and awful and crap but keep breathing, keep fighting and soon it will ebb away.xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m holding on, I’m breathing, I’m passing nitro, I’m trying so hard to ground myself, percent of this rose that Eileen gave me is so common, it’s helping, so is blogging writing up my feelings thank you for commenting XXX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish there was a word that could fix things for you and all of us who hurt and struggle. Who seem to be under attack no matter which direction you go. So These words may not comfort you but hopefully let you are not alone I may not know you or the cause of your pain and frustration but I know pain and I know what it is like to want to give up. I would like to say that I have gotten completely passed feeling that way myself and yes I am alone most of the time but I am still here. I may hurt like hell most days both physically and emotionally but it isn’t over yet there is a light at the end of the tunnel and don’t worry it is not a train that will run you over, it is the break in the storm you so desperately need, so hold on and push forward. You are in my prayers and remember you made it this far, you can do it!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry you are having a rough time. Try to focus on your breathing. Deep breath in, hold it for 4 seconds, breathe it out for 4 seconds, repeat. I hope it helps if you try. Great big hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m very sorry you miss Eileen so much and can’t have hr beside you. Wish I could help you somehow. But I’m afraid I can’t so I’m with you, thinking of you, sending you support and hugs and hoping you’ll get better soon. That’s what I can do.

    Liked by 1 person

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