Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “Why do I cut?”

  1. I completely understand. I used to cut when I was younger. You put exactly how I feel into words that no one else has ever been able to do. I still think about it all the time, but somehow I’ve made it through without actually cutting. I just want you to know you’re not alone. It’s so difficult, but you can get through it.

    Like

  2. I think about it daily dear. Ive even tried a few years ago to get that release.
    Sadly the meds I’m taking have me to desensitized that I couldnt even feel the blade. The blood was there but there was no release because there was no feeling attached to it.
    I guess I’m glad for that because I havent tried since.
    Huggs

    Like

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