therapy-working with parts, triggers and heavy emotions

IT IS LIZ. I THOUGHT I’D WRITE UP SOME ABOUT MY THERAPY SESSION TODAY. I WAS THE ONE OUT FOR MOST OF THE SESSION. IT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION. WE MANAGED TO TALK ABOUT A LOT. GOING IN I DID NOT THINK I WOULD TALK ABOUT A LOT. I WAS ANXIOUS, SUICIDAL, AND STRESSED. I GOT THERE WITH 10 MINS TO SPARE. I WAITED AND PLAYED ON MY PHONE. WHEN EILEEN CAME IN WE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS AND THAT. ABOUT NITRO, THE WEATHER, TRIVIAL THINGS. THEN EILEEN SAT DOWN AND SAID SO LIZ, WHATS GOING ON? AND I TOLD HER I FELT SUICIDAL. WHATS HAPPENING FOR YOU LIZ? I DONT KNOW. I, I, I JUST FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL. I JUST FEEL SAD THAT YOUR GOING ON HOLIDAY. WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME GOING AWAY? WELL, UM, WELL, ITS JUST…ITS JUST THAT I FEEL LIKE YOUR ABANDONING ME. AND IT HURTS. I’M HURTING. MY HEART HURTS. IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU DIDNT GO. OR IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I DIDNT CARE. WHY DID I EVER HAVE TO BECOME SO ATTACHED? ATTACHMENT PAIN REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. SHE SOOTHED ME AND WE TALKED MORE ABOUT THE FEELINGS THAT WERE COMING UP. SHE REASSURED ME THAT SHE WASNT LEAVING, AND SHE WOULD BE BACK. DO YOU KNOW THAT I’M COMING BACK? WAS WHAT SHE KEPT SAYING. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING. YOU SAY I’M TAKING A BREAK AND IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I NEED A BREAK FROM YOU. I WANT TO TELL YOU AND ALL OF THE PARTS THAT THATS NOT WHATS HAPPENING HERE. I DONT THINK YOUR TOO MUCH OR YOUR STUFF IS TOO MUCH. I DONT NEED A BREAK FROM YOU. I’M JUST TAKING A LITTLE HOLIDAY TO RECHARGE MY BATTERIES, THATS ALL. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HER, I DID. BUT PART OF ME STILL DIDNT. PART OF ME WAS LIKE NO, YOUR LYING. YOU REALLY THINK I’M TOO MUCH AND YOU NEED TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM ME. YOU NEED TO PUT SPACE BETWEEN US. I STARTED TO CRY THEN. IS IT OK TO FEEL INTO THE SADNESS LIZ? NO! NO! ITS NOT OK! I DONT LIKE IT! I HATE IT! MAKE IT STOP! ITS NOT OK, ITS NOT OK! CRIED SOME MORE. THEN STARTED TO GET REALLY ANGRY. WHO IS ANGRY LIZ? WHO IS THAT? I THINK ITS A TEEN PART. SHE IS VERY ACTIVATED. YES I CAN SEE THAT. SHE IS FINDING IT HARD TO HOLD THE ANGER AND THE PAIN ISNT SHE? YES. AND SO THE SESSION WENT ON. WITH ME DISSOCIATING AND SPACING OUT, GOING INTO A TEEN PART AROUND 13 YEARS OLD. EILEEN TRYING HER BEST TO GROUND ME BACK TO THE PRESENT. BACK TO REALITY. ME RESISTING. DISSOCIATING BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FEELINGS THEN. I CAN STUFF THEM DOWN AND JUST DISSOCIATE THEM AWAY. ITS BETTER IF YOU TALK LIZ, IT REALLY IS. BUT I CANT, I CANT TALK. I LOST MY WORDS. WE CAN FIND THEM, LETS FIND THEM TOGETHER. ITS OK, I AM HERE. I AM HELPING YOU AND I AM HERE AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH THIS, I AM WALKING THE JOURNEY WITH YOU. WE DECIDED THAT RATHER THAN RUN 3 WEEKS OF A BREAK CONSECUTIVELY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SESSION ON AUGUST 8TH. EILEEN ISNT WORKING THEN, SHE IS JUST COMING IN TO SEE US. SHE OFFERED TODAY AND I SAID OK BECAUSE I KNEW THAT WE COULDNT MANAGE WITHOUT HER FOR MORE THAN 2 WEEKS. IT JUST FELT TOO LONG. SO WE’LL SEE HER ON THE 8TH, AND THEN WE WILL NOT SEE HER AGAIN UNTIL THE 21ST. SO WE HAVE TWO WEEKS TO WAIT NOW UNTIL WE SEE HER. WE FORGOT OUR CALENDAR THEN TODAY BECAUSE WE WERE SO TRIGGERED AT THE END OF THE SESSION. WE WERE SO TRIGGERED THAT WE FORGOT TO TAKE IT FROM EILEEN. AND GUESS WHAT? SHE WENT TO THE POST OFFICE AND MAILED IT TO US. ISNT THAT SWEET? SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH THE KIDS NEED THAT CALENDAR, HOW MUCH THEY ARE COUNTING ON BEING ABLE TO COUNT THE DAYS OFF. SHE’S SO SWEET TO DO THAT FOR US. SHE ALSO CALLED US THIS AFTERNOON TO CHECK IN WITH US AFTER THE HARD SESSION. SHE SAID SHE FELT WE WERE REALLY DISSOCIATIVE LEAVING AND SHE DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE US LIKE THAT. IT WAS SO NICE OF HER TO RING US UP TO MAKE SURE WE’RE OK. I AM SO GLAD SHE DID. SHE KEPT TELLING ME HOW RESOURCEFUL I AM, HOW THE ADULT PART OF ME CAN HANDLE THINGS, AND HOW MUCH SHE HAS FAITH IN US THAT WE CAN. THAT WE ARE ABLE TO SEEK OUT SUPPORTS. AND SHE ENCOURAGED US TO USE ALL THE SUPPORTS WE HAVE AT OUR DISPOSAL OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I MISS HER ALREADY AND ITS ONLY BEEN A FEW HOURS. OH GUESS WHAT ELSE? SHE WAS WEARING THE SAME PERFUME THAT DR. BARRY WEARS! BOTH OF THEM WEAR THE SAME ONE! SO NOW I DEFINITELY NEED A BOTTLE OF IT. THATS THE NEXT THING I’M GOING TO BUY. THEN I CAN FEEL CLOSER TO BOTH OF THEM.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

10 thoughts on “therapy-working with parts, triggers and heavy emotions”

  1. Hi Liz, I’m sorry you are sad. Your therapist sounds like she really cares about all of you. That was very nice of her to mail your calendar! Our therapist going away was always very hard for us too. One thing we did that helped was to keep a list of all the good things that the littles did while she was gone to show her when she got back. Encouraging them to do fun things for self-care and telling them that their therapist will be so proud of them to hear about all their adventures while she was gone can make it a little easier and the time pass faster.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, Liz, what an intense session! You guys had to be really tired and exhausted after it. It’s very nice of Eileen indeed that she mailed this calendar to you, you had to be really triggered if you forgot it, seems like it’s very important thing for you. And it’s good that both your psychiatrist and therapist wear the same perfume, it’ll be easier to you to feel connected to them both, hope you’ll be able to buy this perfume as soon as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

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