THOUGHTS ON MY THERAPY SESSION

SO YEAH IT WAS HARD, IT WAS PAINFUL, IT WAS FUCKING PAINFUL. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE. EILEEN KNEW IT TOO. SHE KEPT ASKING FOR ME, SO EVENTUALLY I CAME OUT. ANGRY, SO ANGRY. I WANTED TO CUT. SHE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. IDIDNT WANT TO. I COULDNT. I HATE FEELINGS. THEY SUCK. FUCKING SUCK. SHE MUST HAVE ASKED ME HOW I FELT 3 OR 4 TIMES BEFORE I’D ANSWER HER AND EVEN WHEN I DID IT WAS BARELY AN ANSWER. WE TALKED ABOUT OUR DAD. I TOLD HER MOSTLY I HATE HIM. I DONT GET ALONG WITH HIM. OUR PERSONALITIES CLASH. AND ANYWAY HE HURT ME A LOT WHEN THE BODY WAS A TEEN. ONE TIME HE EVEN LOCKED ME IN A ROOM FOR 7 HOURS. MOM WAS AT WORK. HE WOULDNT LET ME OUT EVEN THO I FOUGHT HIM AND GOT HURT IN THE PROCESS. HE WAS IN AN ALCOHOLIC ENDUCED RAGE. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CUT SO BAD. I HAVE NOTHING TO HURT MYSELF WITH THOUGH. ALL I CAN DO IS DIG MY NAILS INTO MY ARM. AND RIGHT NOW I AM JUST, DISTRESSED AND OVERWHELMED. THERE, I’VE SAID IT. I AM NOT COPING, I AM LIVING THE TRAUMATIC MEMORIES. EILEEN KEPT SAYING ITS A MEMORY, AND SHE KEPT TRYING OT BRING ME OUT OF IT. I COULDNT THOUGH I JUST COULDNT. SHE KEPT SAYING I’D BE OK, SHE WAS HERE WITH ME, BUT SHE FELT SO FAR AWAY. ONLY WHEN SHE HUGGED ME DID I FEEL REAL, LIKE SHE WAS REAL, I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE, AND COULD HEAR HER HEARTBEAT. IT SOUNDED LOVELY. STEADY, I FELT SECURE. I HATE MEMORIES. SOMETIMES I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. BUT I GO ON BECAUSE MY SYSTEM NEEDS ME. THEY ALL SAY I AM STRONG AND THEY NEED ME TO PROTECT THEM. CAROL ANNE NEEDS ME TO HELP HER FRONT SOMETIMES. I CANT JUST DISAPPEAR. BUT MAN HOW I’D LOVE TO JUST DO THAT SOMETIMES. I GUESS I AM GLAD THO THAT I HAD TIME IN THERAPY THIS WEEK. AND I AM GLAD I GOT MY HUG FROM EILEEN. THAT WAS THE BEST PART.
LIZ

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

8 thoughts on “THOUGHTS ON MY THERAPY SESSION”

  1. Liz, why don’t you make it a point of getting a hug every therapy session, even if you only are out for five minutes. I think you could use that on a regular basis, since you are the protector and the others depend on you. I’m so proud of you the way you’ve been handling things since I’ve known you. I know you are strong, but I’m sure to have Eileen’s physical touch would help you draw on her strength. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll ask her, I’m sure she’ll say yes to that, she’s always so cool about getting my needs met I’m sure she will want us to do what feels comfortable to us and hugging her is comfortable and very safe

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  2. Liz, I’m very sorry that the anger and memories of your dad abusing you overwhelmed you so badly. It’s good that you could process it with Eileen, even if it was so painful for you to talk about your feelings. It’s great that you got a hug from Eileen, it would be really brilliant if she could hug you every session, it might help you very much and make you even stronger. Lots of hugs for you. 🙂

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