feelings of grief and sadness overwhelm me. hearing my mom bio mom play with my sisters kids, our littles are so jealous of her giving them all that attention. they want the attention for themselves. but it will never be that way because our mom will only ever see the adult body in front of her. she wont ever see that child, those inner kids, those little parts. that makes me incredibly sad, and it makes them even sadder. it also makes me incredibly grief stricken. thinking i’ve lost so much, so so much of my childhood, to abuse, a mom who wasnt there emotionally, a dad who never cared and always put alcohol before his kids, and yeah, he’s a little better now, but sometimes now is not good enough, sometimes its too late and you cant go back even when you desperately want to go back in time, redo things, i think of eileen as a mom, she isnt though, she cant be, she is only ever going to be my therapist, and no matter what we do that isnt going to change. i feel crushed. overwhelm threatens to engulf me. i’m even feeling a little bit suicidal. i think i feel suicidal at the loss of my childhood to all the trauma, yeah, thats it, all the fucking trauma, and boy was there a lot of it. i hate ptsd. i hate having did some days, like today, having parts is so much work, its so much work to just survive, and i hate just surviving, i want to live, live or die, one or the other.