when your day turns to shit in an instant…

feelings of grief and sadness overwhelm me. hearing my mom bio mom play with my sisters kids, our littles are so jealous of her giving them all that attention. they want the attention for themselves. but it will never be that way because our mom will only ever see the adult body in front of her. she wont ever see that child, those inner kids, those little parts. that makes me incredibly sad, and it makes them even sadder. it also makes me incredibly grief stricken. thinking i’ve lost so much, so so much of my childhood, to abuse, a mom who wasnt there emotionally, a dad who never cared and always put alcohol before his kids, and yeah, he’s a little better now, but sometimes now is not good enough, sometimes its too late and you cant go back even when you desperately want to go back in time, redo things, i think of eileen as a mom, she isnt though, she cant be, she is only ever going to be my therapist, and no matter what we do that isnt going to change. i feel crushed. overwhelm threatens to engulf me. i’m even feeling a little bit suicidal. i think i feel suicidal at the loss of my childhood to all the trauma, yeah, thats it, all the fucking trauma, and boy was there a lot of it. i hate ptsd. i hate having did some days, like today, having parts is so much work, its so much work to just survive, and i hate just surviving, i want to live, live or die, one or the other.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

10 thoughts on “when your day turns to shit in an instant…”

  1. I can empathise with this entirely. The grief is monumental. I’m feeling some of this pain today myself. The scars left from our parents are so, so deep and today they are bleeding. Please try and take some comfort in the fact that we won’t always bleed. Some days we do. And others we start to heal a bit more. But until we are fully healed, we will have days like this and I think it’s so important that we allow ourselves to feel this pain and to acknowledge it. To write it out, to cry it out. To sit with it for ourselves because they never did that for us and now we’re having to do it for ourselves. My favourite sentence right now is “it’s not fair” koz it bloody isn’t!! It’s shit. You deserved more than that and so did I. So did everyone.

    Seeing your parents being playful or affectionate with kids is hugely triggering. My mum hates kids but my dad plays with my step kids when we see him (which is rare) and I feel the same. I also sometimes get triggered watching my boyfriend playing with his kids, particularly his little girl. Because like you, I didn’t get that and we can’t go back and get what we needed and that sucks arse.

    You’re doing so well sweetie I know it doesn’t feel like that now. But you are being so courageous fighting this constant battle. I know it gets too much sometimes, sometimes I want to fall to the ground and cry until I die, so I truly get it.

    I am here for you xx

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  2. I’m very sorry that you’ve been through so much pain in your childhood, that it’s still hurts you so much. It must be really painful to see your mum playing with your niece and nephew while she’d never been there for you when you needed it. I’m so sorry that your dad never cared about you and your sister enough. It’s all so sad. I wish it could be otherwise, I wish you could go back in time and receive all this love, affection and attention you deserve and everyone deserves. It’s really a pity that Eileen cannot be your mum, it would be really nice, but luckily she is your therapist. Think about it what it would be if you wouldn’t know her. Or if she weren’t as caring as she is for you all. Hugs. 🙂

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  3. I saw a picture of myself and was so utterly sad over the loss of that girl at that age. I looked into my own eyes. I wrote a blog about it maybe a few days ago but I was so upset trying to tell myself you’ll be ok and but then knowing parts of me are not ok and my mom and dad could have fixed that but they were too , like you said, not emotionally present.
    I’m so sorry you had to listen to your mom playing with the kids and wishing it was her with you. Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

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