so i was calling myself the blocker. well, my name is actually grace. and yesterday in therapy i revealed my name to eileen. i was so nervous. nobodys ever seen me before. it was nerve wracking to reveal my identity but i was desperate to be seen. i was desperate to be seen and heard. when i got there i was really dissociative. i had made a plan and knew what i wanted to talk about but when we got to our session that plan went out the window. just goes to show you can never plan a therapy session. eileen was great. she said there must be a tired part around because i looked exhausted. i told her we hadnt gotten much sleep. she said that we looked very pale. every time i dissociated she’d have to get me back and that took a lot of effort on our part. eventually though i did manage to stay present and we did talk. i explained a lot to her about the structure of our system, the way its set up. she said she found it incredible how the human mind works and can survive such awful things and create a way of coping with the trauma and the enormity of the situation. i told her i thought it was pretty fascinating how we’d created this whole huge inner world. we talked about how i’ve been very protective of our did diagnosis and not letting anyone see us and how that is so exhausting. she asked me if i was willing to work alongside carol anne and she kept reassuring me she wasnt trying to get rid of me and that i had an important role to play in our system and my job was still important but that maybe i could channel the energy i’d been channeling into blocking things and keeping walls up into some other ways of helping us as a system. i agreed that yes maybe i could try this. carol anne had talked to me last friday and she told me it was ok to let go of my way of being, that she’d help me protect us now and that it was safe it was 2017 and i didnt have to worry about constantly being vigilent any more. i’ll probably always worry and will probably always feel like i need to protect the system to some degree though. it was a good session overall. i’m glad i told eileen my name, it feels so good that she knows me now. finally i feel like a real person.