i’m so conflicted. i have so many feelings surrounding our dad. his drinking. his behaviour towards us. his outbursts. his denial of his UC. on the one hand i want to support him, be supportive, help him to come to terms with the fact that he has this condition for life now. but every time i make any attempts to be supportive he throws it back in my face, tells me to shut up, i dont know what i am talking about, i’m not a doctor, no, i’ not a doctor but I do read, and I’ve read a lot about his condition. if he doesnt start doing what the doctor tells him he’s going to really suffer. he was told to stay away from certain foods like brown bread, fruit and veg with skins on, tc. but is he d oing it? noooo he’s not. and then he wonders why he’s on the loo for most of the day. honestly, he’s like a baby. moaning, with the pain. i did feel sorry for him at first, because pain is pain and who likes to be i n pain? but when he wont listen, and continues to do things to harm his body, my sympathy for him lessens. his drinking, thats the second thing. he’s constantly drinking. every night he’ll drink about 5 or 6 cans of beer. some times during the day he’ll go to the local bar and have 3 pints. then come home eat dinner and sleep for an hour and then have the 5 or 6 cans at night. when he drinks, his anger comes out. uncontrolled anger. he’s mean, nasty, calls me names, degrades me, degrades my mom, it really upsets me and gets to me. i try to love him. i want to love him and part of me does. ijust dont love is alcoholism. you’d think after he got sorosis of the liver in 02007 that he’d have said ok i’ll stop for good. he did stop for 5 years. but then he went to a friends sons wedding and that is when he started back up again drinking. and its gone downhill from there. mom uses the excuse that he cant drink as much as he did years ago. and i’m like so what? he still drinks, he’s still an alcoholic. she knows that. she just hates admitting it. and so does my sister. there is also the OCD traits my dad shows. my dad was abused as a kid. he was in an industrial school here in ireland. for 8 years. so i do get it that he was institutionalised and things are done a special way in institutions. i know that from being in one myself growing up. i wish he’d get some help. he refuses to go to counselling. he refuses to take meds for psych issues. he refuses to take a sleeping pill yet he wakes every hour and is always tired. honestly? i dont know what to do about all of it. i think a good chat to eileen is in order tomorrow to try and process some of it. i thought i’d write while i was up thinking at 2 AM. i’ve an apt with my gp at 10:15 to get the blood pressure 24 hour monitor on. why does life and family have to be so stressful? its not like i dont have enough to be dealing with.