When our dad is good, he’s really good, but when he’s bad, he’s horrid

i’m so conflicted. i have so many feelings surrounding our dad. his drinking. his behaviour towards us. his outbursts. his denial of his UC. on the one hand i want to support him, be supportive, help him to come to terms with the fact that he has this condition for life now. but every time i make any attempts to be supportive he throws it back in my face, tells me to shut up, i dont know what i am talking about, i’m not a doctor, no, i’ not a doctor but I do read, and I’ve read a lot about his condition. if he doesnt start doing what the doctor tells him he’s going to really suffer. he was told to stay away from certain foods like brown bread, fruit and veg with skins on, tc. but is he d oing it? noooo he’s not. and then he wonders why he’s on the loo for most of the day. honestly, he’s like a baby. moaning, with the pain. i did feel sorry for him at first, because pain is pain and who likes to be i n pain? but when he wont listen, and continues to do things to harm his body, my sympathy for him lessens. his drinking, thats the second thing. he’s constantly drinking. every night he’ll drink about 5 or 6 cans of beer. some times during the day he’ll go to the local bar and have 3 pints. then come home eat dinner and sleep for an hour and then have the 5 or 6 cans at night. when he drinks, his anger comes out. uncontrolled anger. he’s mean, nasty, calls me names, degrades me, degrades my mom, it really upsets me and gets to me. i try to love him. i want to love him and part of me does. ijust dont love is alcoholism. you’d think after he got sorosis of the liver in 02007 that he’d have said ok i’ll stop for good. he did stop for 5 years. but then he went to a friends sons wedding and that is when he started back up again drinking. and its gone downhill from there. mom uses the excuse that he cant drink as much as he did years ago. and i’m like so what? he still drinks, he’s still an alcoholic. she knows that. she just hates admitting it. and so does my sister. there is also the OCD traits my dad shows. my dad was abused as a kid. he was in an industrial school here in ireland. for 8 years. so i do get it that he was institutionalised and things are done a special way in institutions. i know that from being in one myself growing up. i wish he’d get some help. he refuses to go to counselling. he refuses to take meds for psych issues. he refuses to take a sleeping pill yet he wakes every hour and is always tired. honestly? i dont know what to do about all of it. i think a good chat to eileen is in order tomorrow to try and process some of it. i thought i’d write while i was up thinking at 2 AM. i’ve an apt with my gp at 10:15 to get the blood pressure 24 hour monitor on. why does life and family have to be so stressful? its not like i dont have enough to be dealing with.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

13 thoughts on “When our dad is good, he’s really good, but when he’s bad, he’s horrid”

  1. my father wasn’t an alcoholic but could be very angry over the slightest things and would hit us because of it. It didn’t stop until the 3rd grade. He was very upset but he never hit us anymore but he verbally and mentally abused us, which was just as bad. I understand what you are going through. My father didn’t take care of himself as well as he should have. He felt he was going to die anyways so better to live the life he wanted to live.

    I know it’s hard to deal with because you care about him so much. But he is an adult and I think the abuse he suffered is hindering his willingness to take care of himself. Men aren’t likely to go into therapy like women. It takes a lot of doing and he might be at the stage where he feels that it would be “weak” for him to do so. You can’t force it on him, he is going to want treatment.

    I am here for you in anyway you need me. You know how to get in touch with me. G

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah that’s what my mum says she says we can’t force him to get help if you want it when he’s ready. Thank you for the support as always Hun I’m here sitting here worrying and fretting and thinking too much. I will email you soon. XXX


  2. Don’t give up hope. My father was an alcoholic and was in a very bad way. But he turned his life around. He is still your Dad and you love him. It is a horrible disease. Just be there for him & love him. We will be praying for you and him.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes it is a horrible disease and it has awful effect on the family, all I can do is hope that someday he might change his ways, until then I will just love him and continue to be there to support him if I can and when I can

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am really sorry for the situation in your family. I’d like to help you somehow, ’cause it’s really frustrating, though I never had similar problem in my family, my Dad had a slight alcohol problems before but it’s over now and I even don’t remember it well, so I don’t think I could really help you. I think you should never lose hope. It can be difficult when you see him, how he’s denying his UC and alcoholism and harming himself, helplessness is the only thing you might feel then, but you cannot lose hope and your mum too, ’cause if you have it, there’s always a chance he’ll change someday, even if it’s only the slightest chance. It’s hard to have hope living with, or just observing, alcoholics, my uncle has a severe alcohol problem and whenever I see him, it’s hard to not doubt that something can change, so devastated he is, but hope is the only thing you can have in such situation. It’s very good that you want to support him, even if he often acts so horribly towards you, keep it as long as you can, he may not show it and maybe never will, but I’m almost sure your support and love is somehow important to him. I think he may really have a problem with admitting that he’s ill/need some help because he thinks it’s equal with admitting that he’s weak. It’s common with men, I observe it in my Dad in some degree too, it maybe might be strengthened because of abuse your dad experienced and that as you wrote he was always healthy before. So, I’ll write it once again, try to not lose hope. I’m always here if you need some support. And yeah, I’d talk about it to Eileen, it should help you. Hugs! 🙂


  4. I don’t think there is much you can do on your end except keep y ourself mentally healthy. Your dad’s not wanting to admit to things like alcoholism and mental stuff is partially a guy thing and probably somewhat that you come from a drinking culture. How many people do you know who don’t drink at all? I bet your dad would argue that he knows people who drink more than he does and it doesn’t bother them and that may be true. In his case, though, there is definitely an addiction problem. When he quit for five years, was he able to improve his health? If he were to quit drinking, do you think you and your mom could hold off drinking around him when you are together?


    1. Yes, I think so. when he quit for five years, my mom also didnt drink or have drink in the house. I know i cant change him its just so hard. your right though I need to stay well mentally. xx


  5. My dad is very similar, he has been an alcoholic his entire life. He had his first seizure last week, one day after my 19th birthday. My dad actually still hasn’t told me about it, I think he’s scared or in denial. His liver is pretty much failing, though.
    I tell you this because this can be a painful time, but you are not alone. It hurts but we cannot blame or expect anything from our parents, they are just people trying to cope as well. You are a great daughter, and you don’t deserve any of the abuse that he may outwardly project. Do you best to fight his pain with your love, and hopefully he will begin to receive joy from other sources in his life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Elaine. Thank you for this comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. And support me. I’m trying my best. It’s not easy but I’m trying really hard to just love him and accept him the way he is XXX

      Liked by 1 person

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