I want contact

tonight i really would love to contact eileen. i havent but god i want to. the main reason i havent is because of last time i did. last weekend i contacted her to ask her about our session time, because i genuinely forgot the time of the session, since she changed it at the last minute. so i texted her. in session on monday she asked me about it, and casually she said i am wondering why you did that and on a sunday, you dont normally do that? as soon as she said it i immediately felt so embarressed. she’s right, i would normally not contact her on the weekend. she asked me if i’d been struggling and just needed to have her reassurance, and i wanted to say no, but i couldnt, because the anser was yes.
its so hard, the boundaries, and knowing what is and isnt appropriate as far as contact, she isnt restricting me contacting her, but she said she just needs to hold good boundaries, because of the fact that I havent had consistency in my life around holding boundaries and around what is and isnt appropriate.
all very well, but when your desperate, all that goes out the window!
tonight I feel desperate. the little parts need to be heard. they need to be soothed. they feel sad. i dont know why they’re alone and sad, but i feel the intensity of the ache in my heart, and it hurts to breathe.
and i want to email or text eileen. but i’m scared to. what if she gets angry if i do it. what if she wants a break from me, what if I’m too much? what if, what if. i suppose i could email, after all at least with an email its not instant, she can read it when she wants or has time to.
so hard to know what to do for the best but I just know the young parts of me crave a mom and not our bio mom because they do not consider her their mom!
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated!

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

17 thoughts on “I want contact”

  1. Hi Carol Anne,
    Let’s try and brain-storm, so that this becomes a win-win situation.
    Would it be okay if you allowed yourself to write a very detailed, very honest letter to Eileen, which you could give to her in session? You could write anything in your heart, but one difference would be that it would not be -perhaps- as immediate as texting her. In that, you might learn something about yourself – about how you CAN indeed survive, when it feels as if you might die or perish or suffer if you did not have the comfort of immediately reaching Eileen.
    Might you ever wish to try that?
    Maybe, then you both could process your pain of what you wrote in the letter, but with perhaps more perspective??
    It is very hard to learn boundaries when all of your life has been deprivation and pain.
    I believe that Eileen’s setting boundaries is a caring thing.
    Somehow, with growth, however painful — you and she will work through the need for all or nothing — that your life will not be all horrible, and it just might be your finding out that you can live with your limitations, Eileen’s limitations, and still find a place that is of comfort.
    Does this make any sense?
    I hope so.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Allow yourself complete freedom in writing to Eileen. Say whatever it is you want to say, need to say, are afraid to say, are ashamed to say. I will bet it will bring you closer to your therapist ultimately in that both you and she will learn more about yourself, and continue on the difficult but rewarding path of healing. Good luck. You are brave and courageous!

        Liked by 3 people

  2. I’ve been here myself.

    Sometimes I find just WRITING the email helps. Try that, but before you hit send, just take a moment and a) consider if you still need to, or is it enough to ‘touch’ the connection you have with her b) what you want from her and if she will/can give it. Would you be disappointed if she couldn’t? Would you be hurt if she’s with family this weekend and won’t respond till Monday?

    The boundary with email is different to that of calling/texting because (as you say) it is her decision when she reads it. But could you handle it IF she decided not to?

    These are all questions you need to ask yourself.

    Personally, if she’s not said no and didn’t say no when you touched that boundary by texting her, I would imagine it is OK. However, be prepared that it might not get read as quickly as you’d like, she might not respond in the way you imagine she will and that she will probably bring it up with you and may decide a boundary needs to be put in place.

    Having said all that… if she doesn’t respond that quickly and doesn’t say what you want her to and does change the boundary… it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. Hold onto that if you can.

    Contact with Ts outside session is fraught with emotion for us lot. It will never be simple and Eileen will respond very differently to how my therapist does and you might get jealous of me, I might of you… it is the nature of relationships unfortunately. They are complicated beasts! Take care of yourself, whatever you decide to do.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. She always tells me that nothing is black or white. She allows me to text her and allows me to email her and has always said we can email her whenever we want she does not reply to emails just because there are too many of us in the system and she doesn’t want to favour one person over another but we talk about them in session where okay with that I’ll write female anyway and see if I can send it I might I might will just have to wait-and-see

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      1. It’s nice that she takes care of all of you in that way. Nothing is ever black and white, that’s why I was posing all those questions. Depends what you want from her. If it’s just to reach out that’s fine but if you need a response… well just bear in mind how difficult it might be. As Leslie said you can write to her. Don’t even have to give it but to write it might be enough.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Sorry, stupid phone!! I often write in my private journal as if writing to my therapist. That helps… helps me feel like I am contacting her without actually doing so. Sometimes though, I DO need to actually reach out and that’s fine too.

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  3. I think you should write down all your thoughts and feelings, how much you miss her, what hurts you, what the little parts are feeling, or maybe let them write on their own. Write it like if you were writing an email to her. Just let all the emotions out. And then you can send it to her in email, if you will still need. Though I’d try to manage somehow on my own if I could, ’cause it’s weekend and I wouldn’t want to disturb her. But it depends on your emotional condition and relationships between you both. You can also bring what you wrote to her office on Monday and you’ll process it together. I think you just should try t write down all you feel and I hope then things will be clearer for you and you’ll see if you really crave to contact with her immediately or can wait to see her during the session and talk about it then. Sending hugs and support! 🙂

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  4. I find boundaries extremely tough. My previous therapist had very few boundaries and we had frequent text. Phone calls and emails between sessions sometimes till early hours of morning back and forwards.

    I found out the hard way that this wasn’t appropriate when the therapist left me extremely abruptly that things were not appropriate at all.

    My current therapist is extremely extremely boundaries. She allows absolutely no contact inbetween sessions via any means. I have her phone number and personal email details but I’m not authorised to use them and that was made quite clear to me. It’s not the same as I was used to and several years on I still struggle with such boundaries.

    My current therapist is boundaried but I guess I respect those boundaries as I realise that is safer for me also as the other relationship was not a good one. Learning appropriate boundaries the hard way is tough, excruciatingly tough.

    Eileen sounds very kind and caring. I think if she allows it then contact is ok as long as you don’t want/ need a response to it at the time of sending.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Same here, our last therapist we had contact in between sessions overly so, we had lots of texts emails and phone calls until early hours of the morning, it was very unhealthy. Eileen is not that bound read, she does have some boundaries but she is willing to be flexible. I like that about her.

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