tonight i really would love to contact eileen. i havent but god i want to. the main reason i havent is because of last time i did. last weekend i contacted her to ask her about our session time, because i genuinely forgot the time of the session, since she changed it at the last minute. so i texted her. in session on monday she asked me about it, and casually she said i am wondering why you did that and on a sunday, you dont normally do that? as soon as she said it i immediately felt so embarressed. she’s right, i would normally not contact her on the weekend. she asked me if i’d been struggling and just needed to have her reassurance, and i wanted to say no, but i couldnt, because the anser was yes.
its so hard, the boundaries, and knowing what is and isnt appropriate as far as contact, she isnt restricting me contacting her, but she said she just needs to hold good boundaries, because of the fact that I havent had consistency in my life around holding boundaries and around what is and isnt appropriate.
all very well, but when your desperate, all that goes out the window!
tonight I feel desperate. the little parts need to be heard. they need to be soothed. they feel sad. i dont know why they’re alone and sad, but i feel the intensity of the ache in my heart, and it hurts to breathe.
and i want to email or text eileen. but i’m scared to. what if she gets angry if i do it. what if she wants a break from me, what if I’m too much? what if, what if. i suppose i could email, after all at least with an email its not instant, she can read it when she wants or has time to.
so hard to know what to do for the best but I just know the young parts of me crave a mom and not our bio mom because they do not consider her their mom!
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated!