it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.