grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.


Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

16 thoughts on “grappling with horrible thoughts”

  1. hey. I understand your pain and the suicidal thoughts. I too, often wonder why I am here after so many attempts. I never feel glad I am alive though like you. I feel I don’t deserve it. You will make it through tonight. if you need to chat, I am around. I will be on twitter as I am listening to the ball game. I might not check my blog messages though because I still don’t have internet service so I am using my phone. I writing another blog so am using the hotspot for a little bit. I don’t want to use up my data. Thinking of you.


  2. I’m sorry you are thinking so much tonight. Sometimes it feels like thoughts and fears and bad memories grab on in the nighttime and just won’t let go. I’m here listening, and understanding. It is hard to wonder why we are still here when things feel so hard. I believe you will get through tonight, and with morning, feelings seem to change, those thoughts seem to loosen their grip. Hold on, okay? Sending hugs. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Alice. I’m okay. I got through the night and it’s morning now and things feel a lot better. You’re right, things always seem better in the morning, XXX thanks for the support 🙂💟


  3. Nights are often so difficult to survive without any dark thoughts. I hope you slept well and now it’s better. I’m still here, thinking of you. Sending support. 🙂


  4. Dearest Carol Anne, Dear Friend,
    How I identify with you and with Alice and Emilia’s thoughts. For decades, nights have increased the darkness inside me. Last night, I was intent on death. I saw nothing but that. I have prn (as needed) medication, which I finally chose to take. It is an anti-psychotic, and it calms me, and induces sleep. Often it is the only way I can escape the thoughts of death.
    I am so grateful.
    Usually, the next morning I look back in (somewhat) gratitude, for my not taking the steps towards death.
    I am grateful for you and for the people who come here to comment and speak their Truths.
    Blessings. Blessings.


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