My dads an addict, and there is no changing that

yesterday during therapy me and eileen talked about my dad and his alcoholism. it has been bothering me for a few days now, so i brought it into the therapy room. eileen thinks it would be a good idea for me to read up on alcoholism and its effects on the family. i told her i find it really difficult to talk about it and that is why i havent read much on the subject. i told her that i would try looking up some stuff on it. she gave me a few resources and names of people who have written extensively on the subject. its so hard for me to do this. it means i have to admit to myself that there is a problem. i know there is, i know my dads an addict, but i always thought i could change him somehow. i could make things better. eileen said i need to look after me and my own mental health. she said if i fall into the trap of allowing my dad to control me or lie to me that I’m finished. because addicts will do that, they lie, they manipulate, they will do anything to shift the blame from themselves to someone else. deep down i know this is true. it all just makes me so sad. but for years my dad has been this way. the fact that he lied to me and my sister last week, telling us that if he drinks by day he doesnt drink by night, that is a sure sign that he knows he’s doing wrong, and he knows he has a problem. I was telling eileen how he is so controlling, he’s like OCD about everything, everything has to be a certain way, everything has to be just so, he has to do things a certain way, all routine, and if it isnt his way, he gets really mad and angry and starts verbally being mean, putting us down etc. for years now I’ve been the scape goat of our family. I’ve been the problem. He uses my mental illness as being the problem. Saying that I am the one with the issue, because I see a therapist, I go to a psychiatrist, I take meds. Eileen said this has to stop. I have to start putting myself first. I said I try to avoid him now if I fear he is going to start anything. Even our mom told me not to answer him if he’s arguing, eileen said she is giving us good advice there, and its obvious she’s found ways of coping, of looking after herself. I told eileen that maybe my mom could come over to my house more, so that I wouldnt have to go to my parents house as much. because my dads drinking and lack of taking care of himself is really really effecting me more than I’d like to admit. And its something I havent really discussed a lot with eileen, I’m embarrassed that its like that. I’m feeling bad that this addiction is in our family. It just adds more disfunction to the already disfunctional family dynamics. I will do the reading though and try to educate myself more about the addiction and the process of what having this addiction does to the person and to the rest of the family. Talking about it yesterday did help me a lot. I felt lighter after the session.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

17 thoughts on “My dads an addict, and there is no changing that”

      1. My mum also​ just sweeps it under the carpet and tell me to ignore, too. I’m really glad that you’ve managed to speak to someone. You should be proud of yourself. I am yet to do the same.

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  1. My mum used to drink. She has now stopped but still has the mentality of an alcoholic so the relationship is the same really.
    Eileen is right. I found Al-Anon meetings helpful. I learnt that it wasn’t my fault and how not to enable the drinker. Might be worth trying to find a meeting close to you. Although I don’t know if they have them in the counties. My mum is from Ireland and I know that there are some tiny villages! Perhaps you and your mum could go together.
    Don’t take responsibility for your dad as well as everything else x

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    1. Eileen did mention Al-Anon, I will look them up, I’m sure there are meetings available I live in a big city, so yes I’m sure there are, it might be good to go to some, thank you for the support XXX

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  2. I’m an alcoholic and an addict. Luckily, I’ve been sober for 13 years. However, I do know how much we lie and manipulate everyone around us, even the people we love the most. When I got sober, I had to own up to all of the things I did and make my relationships right. I know a lot of people that find Al-Anon helpful when dealing with alcoholics and addicts they care about.

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    1. Yes well at least you owned up to what you did, he is not doing that. I hope you will someday. I’ll try and go to an Al-Anon meeting. I think it would be helpful if I did. XXX

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  3. Unfortunately your dad blames you for doing what he should be doing. I think a lot of men have a thing about admitting they have a problem, considering it a sign of weakness. It’s important for you to not let your illness be sucked into his illness. Alcoholism plus OCD is quite a combination and I’d definitely read up on both of them and how they can affect the family. You’re probably more vulnerable because you have a mental illness and you’re a daughter that would like to solve her father’s problems. But the best thing you can do for him is to make yourself stronger so he’ll have fewer and fewer scapegoats to blame. I feel for your mom because she has to live with him 24/7 and has to figure out ways to cope. Maybe she can come over to your place more often. that would help both you and her as it would give her a break that she could justify to herself.

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  4. So good that you talked about it to Eileen. And good that it helped you. She’s right telling you to gain some knowledge about the problem. I know it will be hard for you to read about it, comparing to your own familial situation etc. but it may help you. The more you’re conscious, the better you can manage. And it’s true that you should care for yourself for the most. Your dad is an adult and he’s your dad, you can’t change him, so do not worry too much about him. You’ll always care about him and worry about him somehow, it’s natural, ’cause it’s your parent, but worrying too much and thinking about it won’t help him and will be definitely bad for you. And yeah, I think I’d also avoid my dad if he treated me like a problem for the whole family, the more that your system has not good memories related with him as far as I can remember. Hugs. 🙂

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  5. I was sorry to hear that you have another cross to bear with your father’s alcoholism. I think its important to stay away from anyone who is mean as it could be very triggering. That’s a good idea to have your mother visit you.

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