yesterday during therapy me and eileen talked about my dad and his alcoholism. it has been bothering me for a few days now, so i brought it into the therapy room. eileen thinks it would be a good idea for me to read up on alcoholism and its effects on the family. i told her i find it really difficult to talk about it and that is why i havent read much on the subject. i told her that i would try looking up some stuff on it. she gave me a few resources and names of people who have written extensively on the subject. its so hard for me to do this. it means i have to admit to myself that there is a problem. i know there is, i know my dads an addict, but i always thought i could change him somehow. i could make things better. eileen said i need to look after me and my own mental health. she said if i fall into the trap of allowing my dad to control me or lie to me that I’m finished. because addicts will do that, they lie, they manipulate, they will do anything to shift the blame from themselves to someone else. deep down i know this is true. it all just makes me so sad. but for years my dad has been this way. the fact that he lied to me and my sister last week, telling us that if he drinks by day he doesnt drink by night, that is a sure sign that he knows he’s doing wrong, and he knows he has a problem. I was telling eileen how he is so controlling, he’s like OCD about everything, everything has to be a certain way, everything has to be just so, he has to do things a certain way, all routine, and if it isnt his way, he gets really mad and angry and starts verbally being mean, putting us down etc. for years now I’ve been the scape goat of our family. I’ve been the problem. He uses my mental illness as being the problem. Saying that I am the one with the issue, because I see a therapist, I go to a psychiatrist, I take meds. Eileen said this has to stop. I have to start putting myself first. I said I try to avoid him now if I fear he is going to start anything. Even our mom told me not to answer him if he’s arguing, eileen said she is giving us good advice there, and its obvious she’s found ways of coping, of looking after herself. I told eileen that maybe my mom could come over to my house more, so that I wouldnt have to go to my parents house as much. because my dads drinking and lack of taking care of himself is really really effecting me more than I’d like to admit. And its something I havent really discussed a lot with eileen, I’m embarrassed that its like that. I’m feeling bad that this addiction is in our family. It just adds more disfunction to the already disfunctional family dynamics. I will do the reading though and try to educate myself more about the addiction and the process of what having this addiction does to the person and to the rest of the family. Talking about it yesterday did help me a lot. I felt lighter after the session.