i just had my phone check in with eileen. i thanked her for responding to allie’s email the other day. she said she realised she broke her own rule of no replying to email, but that she really just wanted us to know she was ok so that we wouldnt be worrying. i appreciated that she broke her rule for us. we talked about the two weeks she was away. i told her it felt like an eternity. i told her about my dads UC and my moms results and how i’d been trying to be there for both of them to support them. she asked me who was supporting me? i jokingly said you are but really that isnt far from the truth. i told her my dad is in a lot of denial about his UC and he is drinking non stop. if i say something nice he loses it with me, if i say nothing at all he still loses it and starts arguing with me. last week he tried to convince me he’s not drinking that much, but in reality he is drinking every day. eileen said i am not going to change him, which i kind of know but hearing it really brought it home for me. she said you cant change another person, he will have to want to change himself, but he doesnt want to do that. he wants to go against all the advice his doctors are giving him and therefore make his UC worse. I told eileen I’d been isolating a lot these past two weeks. She encouraged me to go out to the basement club tomorrow. She said sometimes when we isolate we can stay in our heads. I agree this is so true. But I feel like I cant face anyone I really just want to hide. I’m not even going to my parents this weekend because I dont want to be around my dad. I told mom I’d come on sunday for dinner and go home again that evening. Eileen said to just see how i feel but that I am to look after myself and keep myself well. Think of myself now and put myself first. I know she’s right. So why then is it so hard for me to do it? I told her about last week and how I never went to see dr. Barry because I had a panick attack and my ptsd symptoms got very bad. So bad that I just had to go back to bed. She was really understanding and it felt so good to be able to connect with her and talk to her. I feel secure in the knowledge that she will look out for me and be there for me when I am unable to look out for myself.