low

its 2:30 AM. I dont feel safe. I feel like I could do something impulsive to end things. suicidal thoughts are invading my mind.
I hate that. I hate when it happens.
Death is all I can think about. I’m in a very dark place.
I just cant see a reason to keep on going.
everything feels black and awful. i feel like i am drowning.
i’m just not safe.
thoughts blurr, mind spins, do it, dont, distract, react, oh god someone anyone help me.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

22 thoughts on “low”

  1. Take some deep breathes. Think of kittens and puppies, anything to get your mind off of yourself. Stay focused on happy things, little jewels of things that have helped you make it this far in life. Those things will pull you through this episode. Stay safe my friend!

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    1. Thank you so much Tina, your words mean so much to me, I won’t do anything just because of my dog nitro he is my world and I wouldn’t want to leave him and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him or for him to be sad and find me so I won’t do anything rash I’ll just sit here passing nitro

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  2. As Tina said, deep breaths. Glad you have music on, I hope it’s uplifting. Play with a little with your pup, their company is soothing. Sending you hugs and keeping you my prayers.

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  3. Distraction is the name of the game. Where’s that mind breathing app? I think you said you found it helpful. Also, you can look back over some of the exciting plans you’ve made over the past weeks and see that that Carol Anne is looking forward to life and those feelings you are having now are just a little stumbling block that has to be got round so you can go on to other things. Hugs. xxx

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    1. Thank d deb thank you for the hugs their appreciated I think it’s just the fact that it’s night time, the suicidal thoughts always come when we are triggered and in flashback Maude, it’s just the way it is, I will try to distract and use my mindfulness app on my Apple Watch

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  4. Oh I’m sorry about that. You must think that it will end, try to distract. I hope you slept at least a bit that night, maybe it helped you? If not, know that I’m with you and lotsa people are and we don’t want you to die. There is a reason for you to live, actually I ‘m sure there are many, you just can’t see them now, but one that I see is that it’ll end and then you’ll have a lot of nice, beautiful, good experiences that are worthy living, you’ll have also these bad moments, but not only. It’s hard now, but you should think about all these good things that wait for you in your life when it’ll end. I know you cannot convince yourself now that there really is a reason to live, but try to just remember it, even not believing in it and it’ll help and then you’ll feel better. And distract as much as you can. I think you should talk to someone and be with someone, it’s awful to be alone while suicidal. Many hugs. 🙂 Keep going!

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  5. Hi, Carol anne. I’ve only just seen this post and have read your reader’s and friend’s comment so I can see that you got through this awful period. It’s just evil when you feel so bad that you just want to end it all – I’ve felt like that so many times too. I’m so glad you got through it and you should be proud of yourself for fighting the urges off. Try to be extra kind to yourself this evening – do something nice or have something you really like for your tea/dinner, spend time cuddling Nitro, phone a friend – anything that you can think of to keep the more positive feelings there and to fight off the negative ones. I’m so proud of you for not hurting yourself when you felt so bad. Take care, my friend. Big hugs, Ellie xxx ❤

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  6. I’m really sorry, Carol anne – I just typed a fairly long comment and pressed ‘Post Comment’ and my comment just disappeared 😦 ! My Carer will be here in a minute so I haven’t got time to write it all again but basically, I was saying that I’m very proud of you for getting through this horrible, nasty episode without hurting yourself. You should do something nice this evening, treat yourself kindly – you deserve it. Love to you, my friend, Ellie xxx ❤

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  7. How are you feeling today? I hope much better. My therapist told me once, when I was feeling suicidal that I have to kill my dogs first so they would not miss me, it sure changed my mind about doing myself any harm because there was no way I was going to hurt my fur babies.

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