allie, i had a meltdown tonight

its allie. well my long name is alicia, but my friends and other people either call me allie or licia or lish or trouble hahahah.
i’m feelin sad tonight. i realy want to know if eileen is safe. i worry that she isnt. specially with all the bad stuff going on on the news.
i was going to text her tonight. but carol anne said no. then that made me mad. because i dont like when the bigs here make rules stupid rules that we gotta follow.
so then i had a melt down. those melt downs arent pretty. i broke some things. i threw my stuffed animals all over the room. i turned a couple of drawers up side down and all of my art supplies and stickers and stuff fell onto the floor. i didnt care. it felt good to release the anger.
the room was a huge mess though after my outburst. i couldnt clean it. i was crying too hard.
i needed a hug from eileen. i needed her to tell me its ok, and i am safe. and she is here. carol anne says i need to talk to her on the phone this thursday. tell her what I did.
i guess i can do that
sometimes i hate myself for being so needy and clingy and a baby and wanting eileen and dr. barry to adopt me and be my forever mom. the pain is unbearable and every part of my body physically hurts.
i just feel like crap tonight.

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “allie, i had a meltdown tonight”

  1. It’s good that you released your anger, even if the way you did it wasn’t the best, hope it helped at least for a while. So sad that now you can’t talk to Eileen, I’d think about texting her today, it should help you really. I think nothing’s wrong if you feel like still needing Eileen and Dr Barry, you definitely have right to feel so and you’re a brave girl, I think, I wouldn’t say you’re needy, you just need things every child needs. OK, maybe you need more, but it’s because of your situation and your experiences, not just neediness. And you definitely should talk to Eileen on the phone on Thursday. I’m with you and send you as much support and hugs as you need. You’re not alone!


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