alter post. Emily, my part of our therapy session this week

hi its emily
this week in therapy i got to talk to eileen. i told her about what allie had written last week about wanting a forever mom. eileen was so kind about it, she was real nice to us and asked me emily, who do you see me as? first i wouldnt tell her. i got scared. but then i said will you promise not to get mad? and she promised. so i told her. i see you as our mom, even though i know you arent and cant ever be. i cant help it. we all see you in that way. then i started to cry. the longing for a forever mom was just so painful. our bio mom is never going to accept the alters. she is never going to be there for us kids. even eileen said so. eileen said she sees an adult and so treats you like an adult. your craving what you never had as a child. what you never got. your needs were never met. of course it is understandable you want me to be your mom. im glad she understood. it hurts though that she cant be our forever mom. it hurts so much. the pain is excruciating. i told her its like someone is squeezing my heart. its a crushing feeling inside my chest. she said that was a very good way of describing it. i kept dissociating on her and she kept asking me to come back to her and come back to the room. sometimes thats hard to do! it was a good session though. i think we will probably have to talk some more about all this when she gets back from her holiday.


Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “alter post. Emily, my part of our therapy session this week”

  1. Emily, forever is a long time so maybe you should narrow it down to right now. I’m sure Eileen wouldn’t mind being your right-now mom. You’d be surprised how many moms are out there that aren’t bio moms, but people call them mom because the person being the mom fills a spot in the other person’s heart. I have a friend who has several people who call her mom that she’s not related to and a few she hasn’t even met in person. xx

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  2. She already is your right-now mom because that is how you think of her. She can’t do some of the things that a bio mom would do, but she hasn’t discouraged you from thinking of her as mom because she knows you and the kids need to think of someone as mom. the thing is to learn not to be afraid of her so that you can come in and tell her anything that’s on your mind. You’re always afraid she’ll get mad, but she never does. I know she wants you to feel free to tell her absolutely anything and everything.

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    1. Yeah, you’re right. I’m always afraid everyone will get mad at me, I should learn not to be so afraid. I’ll try. She’s never mad. She’s always so nice to me. Thanks for your support and listening to me XX


  3. Emily, you shouldn’t be afraid of saying anything to Eileen, she’s so understanding and nice towards you. 🙂 It’s really a pity that you, being a child, can’t have your mum in every meaning of this word. But even if Eileen can’t adopt you and even if ethic don’t allow her to say she wants to be your mum or that she loves you etc. you can still think about her as your mum. You need someone like this, whom you just could call mum in your mind, so isn’t Eileen a perfect choice? I think she is and I suppose that even just having someone who’s always there for you like she is and calling this person mummy just in your thoughts should help you all kids to not feel so alone and like without mum. 🙂 Lots of hugs and support. 🙂

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