hi its emily
this week in therapy i got to talk to eileen. i told her about what allie had written last week about wanting a forever mom. eileen was so kind about it, she was real nice to us and asked me emily, who do you see me as? first i wouldnt tell her. i got scared. but then i said will you promise not to get mad? and she promised. so i told her. i see you as our mom, even though i know you arent and cant ever be. i cant help it. we all see you in that way. then i started to cry. the longing for a forever mom was just so painful. our bio mom is never going to accept the alters. she is never going to be there for us kids. even eileen said so. eileen said she sees an adult and so treats you like an adult. your craving what you never had as a child. what you never got. your needs were never met. of course it is understandable you want me to be your mom. im glad she understood. it hurts though that she cant be our forever mom. it hurts so much. the pain is excruciating. i told her its like someone is squeezing my heart. its a crushing feeling inside my chest. she said that was a very good way of describing it. i kept dissociating on her and she kept asking me to come back to her and come back to the room. sometimes thats hard to do! it was a good session though. i think we will probably have to talk some more about all this when she gets back from her holiday.
hi its emily