I HATE YOU, DONT LEAVE ME?

THERAPY TODAY WAS A DISASTER WE TALKED ABOUT THE UPCOMING BREAK AND I GOT SO ANGRY WITH EILEEN BECAUSE I DONT WANT HER TO GO ON HOLIDAY NEXT WEEK I FEEL LIKE WE HAVENT REALLY PREPARED FOR IT I TOLD HER I THOUGHT IT WASNT FAIR THAT SHE’D ONLY HAD A WEEK AT EASTER SO WHY DID SHE NEED ANOTHER SO SOON? SHE KEPT SAYING IT WAS OK FOR ME TO BE ANGRY AT HER THAT SHE WOULD WALK THIS JOURNEY WITH ME, THAT ONLY MADE ME MADDER. I TOLD HER HOW MUCH THE KIDS ARE STRUGGLING, SHE ONLY SAID ME AND CAROL ANNE AND THE OLDER INSIDERS WOULD WE TRY TO SUPPORT THEM WHILE SHE WAS AWAY SO THEY WOULD NOT BE ON THEIR OWN? OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT US? WE’RE FEELING LIKE WE’RE ON OUR OWN TOO? SHE KEPT TRYING TO GET ME TO TALK ABOUT MY UNDERLYING FEELINGS BUT I JUST COULDNT. I WASNT GOING THERE. I JUST KEPT TELLING HER SHE WAS A TOTAL BITCH AND I WAS DONE WITH THERAPY AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE AND I SHOULD JUST WALK OUT NOW. SHE WOULDNT LET ME GO THOUGH SHE SAID I NEEDED TO STAY AND FACE THIS. I SAID WHAT IS THE POINT, YOUR GOING TO GO ANYWAY? TO WHICH SHE SAID YES, BUT MAYBE THAT IS ABOUT ME RECHARGING SO I CAN BE MORE AVAILABLE AND MORE THERE FOR YOU. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU LIZ. NO YOU DONT, I SNAPPED. YOUR JUST TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR. HAVE I EVER DONE THAT? NO, I HAD TO ADMIT. AND I’M NOT GOING TO START NOW, SHE SAID. DO YOU KNOW I’M COMING BACK? DO YOU KNOW WHEN I SAY I’M COMING BACK I MEAN IT AND I WILL BE BACK, AFTER 7 DAYS? I CRIED THEN. PART OF ME DOESNT BELIEVE YOU. I CANT FIND MY RATIONAL BRAIN THAT SAYS YOU’LL BE BACK. I JUST FEEL SO SAD. I GET THAT LIZ. I REALLY GET IT. THEN SHE TOOK OUT HER DIARY AND WE STARTED TO MAKE PLANS FOR THE FOLLOWING WEEK. MONDAY IS A BANK HOLIDAY. CAN YOU DO TUESDAY MORNING? NO, MY PA COMES THEN. WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY MORNING? NO I CANT DO THURSDAY EITHER. WELL ICANT DO WEDNESDAY BECAUSE I AM TEACHING AND FRIDAY IS TOO CLOSE TO OUR NEXT SESSION. SO WE DONT HAVE ANY THEN? I ALMOST SHOUTED IN PANIC. YOUR EXPECTING ME TO GO TWO WEEKS WITHOUT THERAPY? I CANT! I JUST CANT! WELL DO YOU WANT TO DO THE FRIDAY? NOOOOO, BECAUSE I CANT PROCESS THE SESSION BEFORE THE FOLLOWING MONDAY! OK HERES WHAT WE’LL DO, DONT PANIC. WE’LL DO A CHECK IN THAT SECOND WEEK. A PHONE CHECK IN. OK, I SLOWLY SAID, WHEN? ON THE THURSDAY EVENING. YOU CAN TEXT ME AND I CAN GIVE YOU A BETTER IDEA OF THE TIME THAT I’LL BE FREE THEN. I FELT HAPPIER THEN. SO NOW ITS 11 DAYS BEFORE I GET TO TALK TO HER. BUT I CAN EMAIL HER IF I NEED TO IN BETWEEN. I AN NOT SURE HOW I’LL SURVIVE 11 DAYS. BUT I DID PROMISE HER THAT I’D SUPPORT THE KIDS THROUGH IT. SO I GUESS I HAVE TO BE STRONG OR SOMETHING AND SUCK IT UP AND PRETEND THIS ISNT EFFECTING ME. SIGH WHY DID I HAVE TO BECOME SO ATTACHED? WHY DO I LOVE HER SO MUCH? WHY DOES ALL THIS MATTER SO MUCH TO ME? I THINK EILEEN HIT IT ON THE HEAD TODAY WHEN SHE SAID HOW SHE KNEW SHE WAS IMPORTANT TO ME, SHE IS. AND I KNOW I CAN BE ANGRY WITH HER, I KNOW I CAN SAY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, AND SHE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. AS MUCH AS I WANT HER TO SAY SHE IS SOMETIMES. I KNOW I CAN TRUST HER TO BE THERE TO GET IT AND GET ME. AND I LOVE HER FOR ALL OF THAT.
LIZ

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

21 thoughts on “I HATE YOU, DONT LEAVE ME?”

  1. i really commend you for expressing your anger in therapy.. my anger just gets locked away and turns into depression and resentment… i wish i can express my anger like you did… your therapist sounds amazing… i like her

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  2. There’s a book called I hate you, Don’t Leave me, which is about people with Borderline personality disorder. I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble with her going on vacation, but you will have to learn to stop jumping ahead and assuming things that haven’t happened. You say you aren’t prepared for her to go, but since you new she was going some weeks ago, did you even try to start preparing for her to go on vacation? If you don’t start doing that every time you know she or Dr. Barry are going on holiday, then you won’t make any progress. I know you love her and depend on her and that any kind of change is difficult, but I also know that any therapist worth his or her salt hopes that the times they have with their patients help to strengthen them so they can deal with little bumps in the road like vacations. I hope that you will be able to sit back and think back about the things Eileen has worked with you over the years that can strengthen you and help you strengthen the little ones. You have the avenue of texting her, which is something that many therapists might not allow, but Eileen trusts you and knows you and that you won’t abuse the privilege. I’ve watched you over the last months I’ve known you and I’ve really seen how you’ve channeled your ager so that it is positive and how protective and loving you are toward the kids. I’ve really proud of that and I know Eileen is, too. So, hold your head up, Liz! I know you can get through this with flying colors! Hugs. xxxx

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    1. Hi Deb, well, she told us a few weeks ago that she would be going, and I know it’s up to us to prepare, it just didn’t seem like we had that much time, but we probably did, we were just lacks about doing it and there we are paying the price, thank you for saying you are proud of us and that Eileen would be proud of us to, and you are proud of me for learning how to channel my anger. I am still learning, it’s not easy. Every day is a struggle and I still have anger outbursts sometimes but not as often as I used to. I hope I can get through the next 11 days until we have our phone checking. At least I still have Doctor Barry to fall back on for support that’s good

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  3. I really am sincerely proud of you, Liz. I’m not a therapist and so don’t have their knowledge and wisdom, so it took me a while to understand where you were coming from. I used to get really impatient with your outbursts and I’d be shaking my head going, “Oh come on, Liz, you know better.” I hope I have a bit more understanding and am learning things myself every day. xx

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    1. You have been more than understanding, for someone who doesn’t know a lot about did you really learnt a lot and I really helpful in your comments, I really appreciate them very much

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  4. one thing I’ve learned about DID is that it’s not a one-size-fits-all illness. I don’t feel quite so bad about yours because Savannah told me that _she doesn’t always know what’s going on in your system and she’s right there! (smile)

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    1. A lot of the time that association is really bad and none of us know what’s going on, we might have one person out while the rest of the system doesn’t have a clue and can’t access the information, it’s hard to explain, I want have the kids will be doing something and the adults won’t even know about it, again hard to explain

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    1. Oh yes there is, Emily, she’s just 12 though, she knows all the time what everyone is doing and is able to push people inside or put people out if needs be sorry I forgot about her

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  5. I think you must be brave that you’re not afraid of expressing anger as it is! It’s really good and I think you’re lucky, Liz, and you all in your system are lucky that you have Eileen. I get how hard it must be for you to not see her for so long if you’re so attached to her. It must hurt and it’s great that you express it all. I’m sure you’ll cope well with her absence, you’re very strong. I’m here if you need some support, though I realise I’m not Eileen. 😀 I’m sure that you and Carol Anne will help kids to feel safe without Eileen. Try to distract during this time you won’t see her and do as much nice things as you can so it’ll maybe go quicker and you won’t think that she’s on holiday and it’ll be easier. Lots of hugs! 🙂

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  6. i know exactly how you were feeling with Eileen…my therapist and i have a pretty strong bond too; i have had times where she tries to make me face things and i have actually ran out and walked far away until i tired myself out and had to call friends to come get me. i hate when she takes vacations, too. actually, i only get to see her once a month, so the last visit was first week of april, and she had to take all of may off except this last week…so i have gone from start of april til end of may and it was not easy and i did not like it and it was hard not to be mad at her for being gone so long when i hardly ever get to see her anyway. i’m glad you and Eileen worked something out with the emails and phone checkins. i hope everything goes ok the next 11 days.

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