I just want a loving mommy

its allie and I am so sad. for those who are new to our blog I am an insiders in our system, a kid. I am 9 and I get sad a lot because I wish our therapist Eileen or our psychiatrist dr barry can adopt me. and tonight is one of those nights. I want a forever mom. my bio mom doesn’t love me. she doesn’t even know me because she thinks i’m just a mood and she wont accept our did diagnosis. and it hurts. I hurt. the pain makes me so sad. its this physical clenching inside my heart and chest. and an ache. and in my mind I long for a hug from my forever mom who I wish could be Eileen or dr barry. I keep asking them to adopt me. and they keep saying it cant happen. and then I get angry and mad at them. because please just listen you guys. I need someone. I need a mommy! I need you to adopt me! everything hurts right now. I am crying. I feel lonely. and I hate when its night time.  if I had a forever mom she could read to me. tuck me into bed. cuddle and snuggle with me. instead I have to snuggle nitro, that’s nice, but I just want a mommy hug and an I love you and I am listening tell me about your day.  I am so jealous of dr barrys kids. they are so lucky to have her as their mom. I want her and I wish she was my mom all the time.  I fantasise about what it would be like to live with her in her house. am I weird? I suppose people will think i’m nuts. I don’t care. people who have nice moms who love them and who care about them are so lucky. i’m jealous of you too. our bio mom only sees Shirley, or our outside body, and the age that it is which is 37, she doesn’t see the children inside who crave her attention. she just doesn’t see us.  she says we are childish sometimes because we have toys in our house that we play with and we watch kid movies and cartoons a lot and we do coloring and stuff but don’t adults do those things too? people who don’t have alters and who aren’t diagnosed with did? I think they do. anyway. I better go to bed. its almost 2 AM. good night world. maybe I can live with dr barry or Eileen some day, maybe they’ll change their mind and adopt me.


allie, age 9

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

11 thoughts on “I just want a loving mommy”

  1. Hi Allie, I don’t have a loveable mom either. She never cared for me the way I wanted to be cared for. Even when I was sick she wasn’t there for me. Even now she thinks her diabetes is a real illness while my depression is not. She is mean to me some times.
    Can you ask one of your others to help you tonight. I know it’s hard asking for their help. But I think Eileen would want that. Just a thought. I’m here for you too, though I’m not a mom. I’m a boy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s okay, you can be like my big brother then. I’ll ask Liz are Carolann to help me, they will if I ask they always give me space and don’t push it because they know sometimes I don’t like to talk about things because it makes me sad. Luv Allie

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  2. I don’t have a solution for you, Allie because what you want from Dr. Barry and Eileen is just a fantasy and can’t happen. The thing is, if you keep not being happy to have the relationship you _do have with Dr. Barry and Eileen, then that won’t be good either. If either of them were your forever mom, you wouldn’t be Allie, but someone quite different. You would be the daughter of a working mom and you might be jealous of all the time she spends with other people. You are right though that many adults like to watch cartoons. I don’t know about the coloring part, but it is adult people who make up the cartoons for the kids so they have to have some idea of what kids like. I wish the body’s mom could accept the group of you, I’m sure all of you wish that. Remember, I told you, you just have to be patient with grown folks! Hugs. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Deb, I will try to be patient. I guess there just is no solution. Eileen said kind of the same thing as you that me being her daughter or Doctor Barry’s daughter wouldn’t be the way that I think it would be. 😔


  3. Allie, it is true, adults do enjoy those things sometimes too. 🙂 I’m 45 and I love watching cartoons and kids movies and I love to color. Some adults forget how nice it can be to get in touch with their inner child. I wish I lived closer so I could be your friend in real life. I would hug you, and read to you, and color and play games with you and watch movies. But I live so far away, in the United States. I’m sorry you are so sad and that your mom doesn’t understand. Great big hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah but iggie you can be my virtual friend okay? We can be friends even if you live far away I’d like that very much. I’d love if you lived closer though. It would be cool to hang out with each other

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry about your sadness and I think I understand it. It seems really impossible for both dr Barry and Eileen to adopt you, not because they don’t want, but because of your situation in general and that you already have your mum. If they could, who knows… I think they’d like to adopt you. But they still can adopt you in their souls, they can both. And then you’ll have two mummies! No, three actually. Did you talk to them about this already? Even if so, I’d still try, they sure like you very much, so they should agree. And when it comes to your bio mum. She definitely loves you, allie! I know she doesn’t show it and it hurts, that she seem to not see you as you, but for her it all is also hard. She loves you all, but doesn’t get DID, so she thinks you’re Shirley, at least I suppose so, I don’t know if I myself get it actually, as I still don’t know much about DID, but I suppose she must think so. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t say that you’re childish, because you’re children, so that’s natural. Anyway she loves you, though quite sad that can’t get you. And yeah, adults also do things like this. I also have my old teddy bear called Pimpi and sometimes snuggle him, I play quite often with my little sis and we sometimes do really crazy things and my Mum often watches cartoons with her and draws and colours just because she likes. Maybe strange, but I don’t think it’s anything wrong. You must be really lonely at nights without your loving mummy who could hug you, listen to you and dry your tears. It must be hard, ’cause things like these are necessary for every child. I understand your jealousy about all these lucky kids who have their mommies, ’cause I was also crazily jealous of them when I was in boarding school. I was there since I was 5 and had a really long distance to my home and was very jealous when some kids went home with their mums at weekend, hugging and cuddling each other and talking about how was their week. And I was jealous of every child on the street that went with his mum, I always thought they’re extremely lucky. So I really get you and it would be really good if you could have a mum who could be all the time with you. And no, I don’t think you’re weird, you’re just a child. Lots of hugs! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amelia you are so kind, you are the best, thank you. I love what you said here. It made my day. I know you don’t get did but you try, and that’s what matters. I did talk with Doctor Barry and Eileen about adopting me, I keep talking to them about it. I hope they will adopt me in their hearts, I’d like that


  5. Thank you, I’m happy I made your day and could help you. I’m here if you need. 🙂 Keep trying and I think it’s really possible that they’ll adopt you in their hearts, I would if I were on their place. 🙂


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